I held it together until my support worker left. And then it was just me and my mum. I wanted to cry. No tears would come. Instead I shouted. I could hear the frustration, the anger, the pain in my voice. “Everyone is having a go at me. You’re all saying I’m not trying. You… Continue reading Comforting me like a child
I am weaker with each day that passes. This is tiredness like I have never known. Overwhelming exhaustion. I can barely move. I just want to close my eyes. Stay in bed. And then there is the pain. I am so sore. Constantly shifting. Cannot get comfortable. Ribs against elbows. Bum against chair. An aching… Continue reading This is today
My chest feels heavy. Invisible elastic is tight around my ribs, aching with each breath. I stand up and feel weak. My head sways, my vision blurs. I have no energy. I get up, dressed, go downstairs and collapse onto the sofa, exhausted before the day has begun. I am cold. So cold. I huddle… Continue reading I never want to feel like this again
It’s a precise routine. I carefully pour my milk into the little measuring jug, ready for breakfast. I add a few drops to my tea and return the bottle to the fridge. After a few failed attempts at trying semi-skimmed milk, I am back to the safe skimmed variety. But this morning something is wrong.… Continue reading Suspicious Minds
I pace endlessly around the house. From my bedroom, along the landing, down the stairs, through the hallway, round the kitchen, into the living room, back to the kitchen, the hallway, the stairs… up, down, back and forth… I am supposed to be on complete bed rest. My BMI is dangerously low and my weight… Continue reading Waiting
Two weeks. I’ve got two weeks to start to turn things around or I will be admitted to an inpatient unit. I don’t know what to write. I don’t know what I think. I want to keep fighting at home. I don’t want to leave my family. I don’t want to be hundreds of miles… Continue reading Two week ultimatum
I feel like such a let down. It’s Mothering Sunday (my mum always insists on calling it that, she says Mother’s Day is an American corruption…) and my family are eating a meal together. I know how much it would mean to my mum if I ate with them, but I cannot bring myself to. “Are you sure… Continue reading Mothering Sunday
You know those texts you don’t want to send. The ones where you agonise over each word for hours, close your eyes, press send and then fling the phone across the room, vowing never to look at it again. Yeah. I sent one of those this morning. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was… Continue reading Invisibility hoody
Deep breaths. Stay calm. Dialling tone. “Hello, Eating Disorders Service. How can I help?” Deep breaths. Stay calm. “Would it be possible to speak to Dr. Nolan please?” More deep breaths. Still staying calm. “He’s in clinic at the moment, I can get him to call you back.” “Ok, thank you.” The waiting begins.… Continue reading The watched phone never rings
On Saturday I did something I haven’t done for a long time. I sat at the table, with my family, for lunch. I ate something I haven’t eaten for a long time. The old favourite: baked beans on toast. I should be celebrating it as a huge success. I sat at the table for a… Continue reading An Overshadowed Achievement
Chicken Risotto 