It’s two months since I wrote this: Four months on the sofa Today I read back over that post to see how things have changed over the last two months. Two months ago my mum had just returned to work, but I was at the start of a downward spiral which I am still unable… Continue reading Six months on the sofa
I am weaker with each day that passes. This is tiredness like I have never known. Overwhelming exhaustion. I can barely move. I just want to close my eyes. Stay in bed. And then there is the pain. I am so sore. Constantly shifting. Cannot get comfortable. Ribs against elbows. Bum against chair. An aching… Continue reading This is today
I am on edge. Each time the phone rings I jump. Is this it? Is this the phone call I’ve been waiting for? The call will come. It could be today, tomorrow, next week… longer? Who knows. I don’t know when it will be. And I don’t know where I will be going. It will… Continue reading Today, tomorrow, next week… longer?
My chest feels heavy. Invisible elastic is tight around my ribs, aching with each breath. I stand up and feel weak. My head sways, my vision blurs. I have no energy. I get up, dressed, go downstairs and collapse onto the sofa, exhausted before the day has begun. I am cold. So cold. I huddle… Continue reading I never want to feel like this again
Two weeks. I’ve got two weeks to start to turn things around or I will be admitted to an inpatient unit. I don’t know what to write. I don’t know what I think. I want to keep fighting at home. I don’t want to leave my family. I don’t want to be hundreds of miles… Continue reading Two week ultimatum
On Saturday I did something I haven’t done for a long time. I sat at the table, with my family, for lunch. I ate something I haven’t eaten for a long time. The old favourite: baked beans on toast. I should be celebrating it as a huge success. I sat at the table for a… Continue reading An Overshadowed Achievement
Each time I eat, I face a choice. Do I please anorexia? Or do I please recovery? I look at my food and I wonder what to do. Eat it? Or not? Every day I battle against anorexia. I long to be able to eat the food I love. I admire it, I smell it,… Continue reading I cannot win