Living with anorexia

Four months on the sofa

This week my mum returned to work after 9 weeks off caring for me.

After weeks of having her around all the time, it is strange to be alone again.

In many ways I have returned to my pre-Christmas life, day after day, alone, sitting on my parent’s sofa.

For the first time I have just read back over some of my blog posts from that time, and I am shocked by how depressed I sound.  I write about how scared I am, about heart palpitations, being alone and helpless.  I wallow in self-pity and look enviously on the lives of others.

That was nearly three months ago now.  So have things changed?  Have I improved?

The honest answer is I don’t know.

In some ways I am feeling better than I did in November and December.  I am on anti-depressant and anti-psychotic medication, which has reduced my anxiety and lifted my mood a little.  I hadn’t realised how badly sleep deprivation was affecting me and now I am sleeping well, I feel better.

I have structured my day better, and have found constructive past-times to fill my time.  I am eating meals at more regular times.

But, my weight has continued to fall.  I am now at my lowest ever weight.  Am I eating more than I was in November?  No.  I am simply lying more.  It has become part of my routine to take food out of the cupboard, hide it in my room and dispose of it outisde the house later.  I feel trapped by my lies.  I feel overwhelming guilt.  I hate lying.  But the thought of eating everything on my meal plan is just too much.  I cannot do it.  I still feel scared and uncertain about what is going to happen.

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9 thoughts on “Four months on the sofa

  1. Very tough situation, but you are not to blame – I hope you realise that. It takes a lot of courage to even be doing what you’re doing already. Your self-awareness can be your biggest asset though. May the next weight change be a positive one. I want nothing but the best for you.

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  2. Self-awareness does seem key. You’re struggling with a mental illness, and it’s like walking a tightrope. You eked forward by cooking a different meal, so awesome cooker of a different meal, keep inching your way forward on that tightrope — one you don’t have to walk alone.

    I do wish it wasn’t so hard, but you are, after all, a pretty strong egg. Let the self-awareness prepare you for incremental weight gains being positive. For the mentally ill part of you, that’s going to stink. But for the whole of you, it’s going to be — it can only be — excellent ( if it makes more positive, you can go with an egg pun there)..

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  3. I understand how you feel. I’ve spent the last 7 month being sedentary and rarely leaving home and I do feel guilty about it but at the same time I know it’s what I needed.

    Sleep definitely is something that can make a big difference and I’m glad it’s been better for you lately.

    In regards to your eating, I say be honest about it. No one can force you to eat right now but maybe with the help from professionals and family members you can work out a different meal plan to ensure that you stop losing weight and then slowly increase it again so that things can get back on track

    Liked by 1 person

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