Ok, so here we go again, Day 1. But this day 1 will be different, I am determined. I will not binge today. I will not restrict either. But I will not binge. I am so frustrated at the moment. Everyone keeps telling me that once I am properly following my meal plan and not… Continue reading I am determined this time!
Monday mornings (aka weigh day) are always challenging in an inpatient ED unit. Today has been particularly stressful. It was difficult to cope with my weight this morning, and then I was expected to go into the dining room and eat breakfast. I feel like I took a step back as I didn’t finish it,… Continue reading I need to learn Russian
I feel very alone at the moment. I am so wrapped up in my own problems I don’t have the energy to think about other people much. I haven’t spoken to my friends from ‘the outside world’ for a long time. I don’t want them to see me. I want to be left alone. And… Continue reading Hospital is a lonely place
I did it again. First it was one. This time it was two. Two biscuits casually slipped into my pocket. Why? Because I feel like I’m eating too much. Because I felt guilty about the cupcake I had for snack earlier. Because I’m gaining weight so fast I can’t deal with it. Because I enjoy… Continue reading And again
I’m pretty sure I can get away with it. I look around. No-one is watching me. Casually I place my hand over the biscuit, slide it up into my palm and quickly thrust it into my pocket. Gone. The quiet chatter in the dining room continues. No-one has noticed this monumental happening in their midst. … Continue reading Old habits die hard
There are only two places I can be totally honest: my journal and this blog. So here is the honest version of what happened today. Today I was supposed to eat snack out on my own. I was out all afternoon and I should have bought myself a snack. But I didn’t. I just walked… Continue reading I lied today
Things aren’t going well. I am still not managing to eat everything on my meal plan. I am not gaining weight. They are looking to send me to another unit where I can be NG fed. Tomorrow I am having a mental capacity assessment as they think I need to be sectioned. I hoped things… Continue reading No improvement
Today is day 6 of my inpatient admission. It’s been a tough week. I feel battered and exhausted. It has been a continuous onslaught of fear foods. Chocolate brownie, treacle sponge, cake, potatoes, pastry… Tonight is rice which I am dreading. I have had panic attacks over the last two meals and now been prescribed… Continue reading First week of admission
I need to stop losing weight now. My ECG has showed ‘worrying changes’. I am on complete bed rest, not even allowed to walk around the house. I am under strict instructions to drink two supplement milkshakes a day. At the moment I can’t even manage one. But I don’t want to die. I’m so… Continue reading Enough is enough
It’s two months since I wrote this: Four months on the sofa Today I read back over that post to see how things have changed over the last two months. Two months ago my mum had just returned to work, but I was at the start of a downward spiral which I am still unable… Continue reading Six months on the sofa
Chicken Risotto 