It’s two months since I wrote this: Four months on the sofa Today I read back over that post to see how things have changed over the last two months. Two months ago my mum had just returned to work, but I was at the start of a downward spiral which I am still unable… Continue reading Six months on the sofa
I am on edge. Each time the phone rings I jump. Is this it? Is this the phone call I’ve been waiting for? The call will come. It could be today, tomorrow, next week… longer? Who knows. I don’t know when it will be. And I don’t know where I will be going. It will… Continue reading Today, tomorrow, next week… longer?
“You look much more unwell than last time I saw you. Just by looking at you I can tell you have lost weight, you look weaker. I know you’ve tried hard, and that trying is not wasted. But you mustn’t give up now. You could be waiting weeks for a bed, and your body cannot… Continue reading Admission Advice
My chest feels heavy. Invisible elastic is tight around my ribs, aching with each breath. I stand up and feel weak. My head sways, my vision blurs. I have no energy. I get up, dressed, go downstairs and collapse onto the sofa, exhausted before the day has begun. I am cold. So cold. I huddle… Continue reading I never want to feel like this again
Deep breaths. Stay calm. Dialling tone. “Hello, Eating Disorders Service. How can I help?” Deep breaths. Stay calm. “Would it be possible to speak to Dr. Nolan please?” More deep breaths. Still staying calm. “He’s in clinic at the moment, I can get him to call you back.” “Ok, thank you.” The waiting begins.… Continue reading The watched phone never rings
On Saturday I did something I haven’t done for a long time. I sat at the table, with my family, for lunch. I ate something I haven’t eaten for a long time. The old favourite: baked beans on toast. I should be celebrating it as a huge success. I sat at the table for a… Continue reading An Overshadowed Achievement
My weight is down even more this morning. I feel so strangely conflicted. I keep saying that I can’t stop the weight loss on my own. But I’m not sure if I’m trying. Do I want to stop losing weight? I have an image of my future where I am recovered. But at the moment… Continue reading Sunday Morning Coming Down