Inpatient · Living with anorexia · Treatment

And again

I did it again.

First it was one.  This time it was two. Two biscuits casually slipped into my pocket.

Why?

Because I feel like I’m eating too much.

Because I felt guilty about the cupcake I had for snack earlier.

Because I’m gaining weight so fast I can’t deal with it.

Because I enjoy the thrill.

Because I want to lose weight.

Because, because, because.  There’s always an excuse.  But only one reason.  Anorexia is tightening it’s grip on me once again.  I need to step up my fight.

 

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6 thoughts on “And again

  1. Be transparent about it. I don’t think you need to be all like, “Yup, I’m 100% on my way to wellness.” Isn’t it more helpful to let your team know that you sometimes still feel like skipping snacks — such is what you’ll be struggling with as an outpatient eventually, but do know that you have made a lot of progress. Just don’t rush to the point where you’re in some imaginary race again, ’cause anorexia seems to kind of thrive on a “gotta keep up with” mentality.

    Also, a mohawk might help, too. Just sayin’.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It’s so easy, isn’t it? It’s one reason that I write down all my behavior and ED leaning thoughts and read them off at my nutrition appointment. Regardless of what we are focusing on, I need to do it to stay honest with him and stay honest with me. For me, it isn’t real until I vocalize it to someone else, if that makes sense.

    Like

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