This post contains description of lying about weight – if this may trigger you please click away! So, this week was week two of me being in charge of monitoring my weight. I told my therapist I weighed a kilo more than I actually do. I hated telling her that. Not because I hated lying… Continue reading Weighty Lies
So, this week’s update… I am being discharged from the eating disorder service. Considering how much I am struggling to eat, my meal plan long abandoned and am losing weigh once again, this seems as strange step. But my psychiatrist thinks I have borderline personality disorder and is referring me to the team that deals… Continue reading Mental health services are bizarre
I miss curling up in anorexia’s warm embrace. I miss the comfort of anorexia’s routine. I miss surviving on so few calories. I miss being proud of myself for losing weight. I miss being able to lose weight so easily. I miss weighing myself daily and seeing those numbers fall. Oh anorexia, I miss you. … Continue reading I miss the comfort of anorexia
This weekend I am at home again for the last time before discharge on Tuesday. I have come to the end of a 7 month hospital stay. How do I feel about coming home for good? Nervous. Scared. I don’t know if I can do it. Life just seems to be a conveyor belt of… Continue reading Anorexia and I fight for survival
Monday mornings (aka weigh day) are always challenging in an inpatient ED unit. Today has been particularly stressful. It was difficult to cope with my weight this morning, and then I was expected to go into the dining room and eat breakfast. I feel like I took a step back as I didn’t finish it,… Continue reading I need to learn Russian
This blog is all about asking the big questions. But seriously, why are there so many different types of pasta? I’ve been here before. Standing in a supermarket aisle, panicking. What am I supposed to pick? Why is there so much choice? I just want some pasta. But I am overwhelmed by the choice. Pasta… Continue reading Why are there so many different types of pasta?
I feel very alone at the moment. I am so wrapped up in my own problems I don’t have the energy to think about other people much. I haven’t spoken to my friends from ‘the outside world’ for a long time. I don’t want them to see me. I want to be left alone. And… Continue reading Hospital is a lonely place
(Following on from First weekend leave:preview) So, how did it go? I’ll be honest, I didn’t manage everything on my meal plan. I skipped bits here and there. I hid a few biscuits. I didn’t eat dessert. I had smaller snacks. I did more exercise than I should have. And yet, I have gained a… Continue reading First weekend leave: review
Tomorrow I am going home for the weekend. My first weekend at home since I was admitted to hospital at the beginning of May. How do I feel about it? I am excited. I am nervous. I am not sure how I am going to manage my meal plan. Already I am thinking about how… Continue reading First weekend leave: preview
I did it again. First it was one. This time it was two. Two biscuits casually slipped into my pocket. Why? Because I feel like I’m eating too much. Because I felt guilty about the cupcake I had for snack earlier. Because I’m gaining weight so fast I can’t deal with it. Because I enjoy… Continue reading And again
Chicken Risotto 