I miss curling up in anorexia’s warm embrace. I miss the comfort of anorexia’s routine. I miss surviving on so few calories. I miss being proud of myself for losing weight. I miss being able to lose weight so easily. I miss weighing myself daily and seeing those numbers fall. Oh anorexia, I miss you. … Continue reading I miss the comfort of anorexia
Questions are swirling around my mind. It’s a big diagnosis to take in. Do I have borderline personality disorder? What does that mean? How long have I had it? Can I be helped? Did it cause my anorexia? Is something wrong with my personality? What should I do? My psychiatrist described two different types of… Continue reading Do I have Borderline Personality Disorder?
Following on from Parts One and Two. So, I can finally answer the question. Do I have another label? No. No I don’t. I am glad as I was convinced that this was not the right diagnosis for me. I think there may be something else going on beyond anorexia and anxiety and depression, but… Continue reading Another Label? – Part Three
Monday mornings (aka weigh day) are always challenging in an inpatient ED unit. Today has been particularly stressful. It was difficult to cope with my weight this morning, and then I was expected to go into the dining room and eat breakfast. I feel like I took a step back as I didn’t finish it,… Continue reading I need to learn Russian
I feel very alone at the moment. I am so wrapped up in my own problems I don’t have the energy to think about other people much. I haven’t spoken to my friends from ‘the outside world’ for a long time. I don’t want them to see me. I want to be left alone. And… Continue reading Hospital is a lonely place
It’ll either make you or break you. In the summer of 2014 I went travelling. From Toronto I headed north east, across Ontario and Quebec and then south to New York, down the east coast to Tennessee and then over to California, Nevada and Arizona before flying home. It was a once in a lifetime… Continue reading It’ll either make you or break you
It’s been hard. So much harder than I imagined, but I am doing well! The last few weeks have been the most challenging yet but I have got through them. I have progressed from NG feeding to drinking Fortisip to eating some solid food. I feel less panicky, less anxious, more like my old self.… Continue reading Getting through a tough few weeks
I held it together until my support worker left. And then it was just me and my mum. I wanted to cry. No tears would come. Instead I shouted. I could hear the frustration, the anger, the pain in my voice. “Everyone is having a go at me. You’re all saying I’m not trying. You… Continue reading Comforting me like a child
My chest feels heavy. Invisible elastic is tight around my ribs, aching with each breath. I stand up and feel weak. My head sways, my vision blurs. I have no energy. I get up, dressed, go downstairs and collapse onto the sofa, exhausted before the day has begun. I am cold. So cold. I huddle… Continue reading I never want to feel like this again
You know those texts you don’t want to send. The ones where you agonise over each word for hours, close your eyes, press send and then fling the phone across the room, vowing never to look at it again. Yeah. I sent one of those this morning. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was… Continue reading Invisibility hoody
Chicken Risotto 