This blog is all about asking the big questions. But seriously, why are there so many different types of pasta? I’ve been here before. Standing in a supermarket aisle, panicking. What am I supposed to pick? Why is there so much choice? I just want some pasta. But I am overwhelmed by the choice. Pasta… Continue reading Why are there so many different types of pasta?
Today is day 6 of my inpatient admission. It’s been a tough week. I feel battered and exhausted. It has been a continuous onslaught of fear foods. Chocolate brownie, treacle sponge, cake, potatoes, pastry… Tonight is rice which I am dreading. I have had panic attacks over the last two meals and now been prescribed… Continue reading First week of admission
You know those texts you don’t want to send. The ones where you agonise over each word for hours, close your eyes, press send and then fling the phone across the room, vowing never to look at it again. Yeah. I sent one of those this morning. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was… Continue reading Invisibility hoody
Deep breaths. Stay calm. Dialling tone. “Hello, Eating Disorders Service. How can I help?” Deep breaths. Stay calm. “Would it be possible to speak to Dr. Nolan please?” More deep breaths. Still staying calm. “He’s in clinic at the moment, I can get him to call you back.” “Ok, thank you.” The waiting begins.… Continue reading The watched phone never rings
Earlier today I came across this post, compiling a list of songs that are uplifting and encouraging when things are tough. I immediately knew which song I would contribute. Holocene by Bon Iver (opens in a new tab) I can feel the pain in my chest. I shake under my skin. Tears well in my eyes. I… Continue reading I can see for miles, miles, miles…
I started to write this post last night, but I was so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open. Getting through Christmas drained me of every last bit of physical and mental energy. I planned to write about the relief that Christmas was finally over and how I plan to get through the rest… Continue reading Anorexia at Night
Why is the night so scary? The day is manageable, but as darkness settles, everything changes. I feel panicky, scared, alone. I can feel my heart vibrating in my chest. My breathing is uneven. My brain is racing. My eyes visualise the worst. I’m convinced tonight will be the night that my starving body finally… Continue reading Night time