A year ago I was sectioned in hospital with a tube up my nose. I could no longer look after myself. I was terrified I was about to die. I could not eat. I could not drink. I felt so scared and alone. I was in hospital hundreds of miles from home. How much things… Continue reading I’ve come a long way in the past year
Sometimes I really miss ‘being anorexic’. I was talking to my mum this afternoon, who attends an eating disorder carers support group. “But,” she said, “I don’t really feel I need to go anymore, your eating is not really a problem now.” And in that moment I felt broken. I wanted more than anything to… Continue reading I want anorexia back
I am back, yet again, in my psychiatrist’s office. It’s a small room, cluttered with comfy chairs. My psychiatrist sits with his back to the window and I face it. The sun would be saturating the room with light, but for the thin curtains pulled across the window, which instead gives the room a disconcerting… Continue reading A new diagnosis
I have struggled the past few weeks – I feel very down and frustrated at how my life (or lack of it) is. I look at all my friends with jobs and partners and mortgages and I feel so behind. I have lost years of my life to mental illnesses. I have no job, I… Continue reading Learning to trust in the journey
I had a phone interview today. I really want the job. But I don’t know if it’s right for me now. It starts in May. It’s full time. An ‘on the job’ training course. It means moving out of my parent’s home and living on my own again. Considering how much of a mess I… Continue reading Interview decisions
So today the UK government have decided to issue advice stating exactly how many calories we should be eating for breakfast, lunch and dinner. How ridiculous. It makes me so angry that they are encouraging calorie counting in this way. As if every single person has exactly the same calorie needs. We all know that… Continue reading More helpful government advice
This post contains description of lying about weight – if this may trigger you please click away! So, this week was week two of me being in charge of monitoring my weight. I told my therapist I weighed a kilo more than I actually do. I hated telling her that. Not because I hated lying… Continue reading Weighty Lies
So, this week’s update… I am being discharged from the eating disorder service. Considering how much I am struggling to eat, my meal plan long abandoned and am losing weigh once again, this seems as strange step. But my psychiatrist thinks I have borderline personality disorder and is referring me to the team that deals… Continue reading Mental health services are bizarre
I miss curling up in anorexia’s warm embrace. I miss the comfort of anorexia’s routine. I miss surviving on so few calories. I miss being proud of myself for losing weight. I miss being able to lose weight so easily. I miss weighing myself daily and seeing those numbers fall. Oh anorexia, I miss you. … Continue reading I miss the comfort of anorexia
Anorexia is success. Anorexia is winning. Anorexia is control. Anorexia is power. Anorexia is crying. Crying because you ate. Crying because you’re fat. Anorexia is pain. Grief for a life held tight. A joyless life. Gripped in bony fingers. Anorexia is shivering. Anorexia is cold. Blue. Lifeless. Anorexia is hospitals. Corridors. Rooms. Beds. Nurses and… Continue reading Anorexia is…
Chicken Risotto 