I am back, yet again, in my psychiatrist’s office. It’s a small room, cluttered with comfy chairs. My psychiatrist sits with his back to the window and I face it. The sun would be saturating the room with light, but for the thin curtains pulled across the window, which instead gives the room a disconcerting… Continue reading A new diagnosis
Questions are swirling around my mind. It’s a big diagnosis to take in. Do I have borderline personality disorder? What does that mean? How long have I had it? Can I be helped? Did it cause my anorexia? Is something wrong with my personality? What should I do? My psychiatrist described two different types of… Continue reading Do I have Borderline Personality Disorder?
It’s Friday evening. Most people my age are busy getting ready for a night out. Sitting in front of the mirror, music blaring, friends chatting, excitement for the night ahead. You get the picture. My Friday night was a little different. I was in my pyjamas, tears streaming down my face, striding down the road… Continue reading A walk in my pyjamas
I had a mental capacity assessment today as my psychiatrist and nurses didn’t think I had the capacity to consent to treatment. The result is that I have been sectioned under the mental health act. I have to remain in hospital and comply with treatment and wait for a bed in a unit that can… Continue reading Sectioned
“You look much more unwell than last time I saw you. Just by looking at you I can tell you have lost weight, you look weaker. I know you’ve tried hard, and that trying is not wasted. But you mustn’t give up now. You could be waiting weeks for a bed, and your body cannot… Continue reading Admission Advice
I pace endlessly around the house. From my bedroom, along the landing, down the stairs, through the hallway, round the kitchen, into the living room, back to the kitchen, the hallway, the stairs… up, down, back and forth… I am supposed to be on complete bed rest. My BMI is dangerously low and my weight… Continue reading Waiting
Deep breaths. Stay calm. Dialling tone. “Hello, Eating Disorders Service. How can I help?” Deep breaths. Stay calm. “Would it be possible to speak to Dr. Nolan please?” More deep breaths. Still staying calm. “He’s in clinic at the moment, I can get him to call you back.” “Ok, thank you.” The waiting begins.… Continue reading The watched phone never rings
“So, do you want me to arrange an admission?” I stare blankly out of the window behind the psychiatrist. I am aware of his eyes watching me closely. Rain patters gently against the glass. My gaze traces the route of a particularly large rain drop, slowly slinking it’s way downwards, back home to the ground.… Continue reading Listening through the rain
I hardly have any energy today – not for the usual reasons of starvation and sleep deprivation, but because my psychiatrist prescribed me some anti-psychotic medication earlier this week. The idea is to reduce my anxiety so that I can get some sleep, and stay well enough to avoid an admission to an inpatient unit. They… Continue reading Just let me sleep!
I’m full of positivity today. I saw my psychiatrist this morning. It’s been a week of frustration, depression and panic. But I can do this. I can recover. He gave me the choice: inpatient or community. I don’t want to be an inpatient. I want to recover. I can do it. Eat my snacks. Put on… Continue reading Full of positivity
Chicken Risotto 