Community Support & Outpatient Therapy · Living with anorexia · Treatment

Waiting

I pace endlessly around the house.  From my bedroom, along the landing, down the stairs, through the hallway, round the kitchen, into the living room, back to the kitchen, the hallway, the stairs… up, down, back and forth…

I am supposed to be on complete bed rest.  My BMI is dangerously low and my weight is still falling.  But still I am hiding food and still I am exercising.  The lies, the guilt, the pain, it is all intensifying.

I am playing the waiting game.  My consultant is away at the moment, but after a concerning weigh-in on Wednesday I was sent to another doctor on the team.  My blood pressure is low.  I couldn’t complete the squat test. Things are getting worse.

“What do you think will happen to me?” I asked the doctor.  She didn’t give much of an answer.  There’s a team meeting on Tuesday.  Someone will contact me after that.

So all I can do is wait.  Wait, wait, wait…

And try to increase my calories.  That isn’t happening.  I just can’t do it.

I know I will regret it.

I know I will end up in hospital, longing to be back home.

If only I’d tried harder, eaten more, followed my meal plan…

But I just can’t do it.

 

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8 thoughts on “Waiting

  1. So sorry to hear you are struggling to meet the targets. I really hope you can have the best of both worlds i.e. no being in hospital and able to take in the calories. If not then maybe the hospital will be good in the short term – he says with zero experience and scepticism. Either way I wish you well.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I am sure it is terrifying, but you will come through it. Do you know how long it would be for? I am good thank you, been feel good for a week or so, riding the wave.

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      2. Admissions for eating disorders tend to be long – months rather than weeks, which is why I’m so reluctant. I think it’s out of my hands now anyway, I just have to wait and see what they decide…
        Glad you are ok. I’m enjoying reading your blog as always.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ah I see, but yes hopefully it is for the best though. I’m glad you enjoy the blog, and yours too. I literally look for every post of yours when I get a minute. My girlfriend also loves yours. Keep well and I hope things take a turn for the better.

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  2. I am sorry to hear you are struggling. Please, please, please don’t beat yourself up for it, though. We all have up days and down days. You will get better, by whatever means necessary. But you must be patient and kind with yourself along the way. It’s the only way. Stay strong, love. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am terribly behind in reading so even though I will soon read your updates, I’ll comment all the same, not knowing the next post.

    I lived with “If only’s” for quite a while until I didn’t. There was no more “If only’s” because I knew I simply had lost control at that point. I had given in completely and that is why I picked myself up and went to the assessment. It was a moment of clarity. That clarity was fleeting but it opened a door that saved my life.

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