I hardly have any energy today – not for the usual reasons of starvation and sleep deprivation, but because my psychiatrist prescribed me some anti-psychotic medication earlier this week. The idea is to reduce my anxiety so that I can get some sleep, and stay well enough to avoid an admission to an inpatient unit. They seem to be working too well though. I am constantly fighting to stay awake. Yesterday I slept for half of the afternoon and then a solid twelves hours overnight, from eight until eight. That is not like me at all!
I do feel a lot less anxious already though. Partly due to the medication, but also because I ended up going to A&E earlier this week, as my support worker was concerned about my blood pressure and pulse. I had an ECG and blood tests done, the results of which were all normal. I feel reassured that physically, I am not in too much danger right now.
The problem with being reassured though, is that the anorexic part of my mind is telling me it is safe to lose more weight. I’ve been pretending to follow my meal plan; adding in the snacks as directed by my therapist. But in reality, I simply have a bag of cereal bars, biscuits and nuts hidden under my bed. I just don’t know what to do. I feel terrible for lying, up until now I have always been honest with my mum about what I have eaten, but I just cannot bring myself to eat that much extra each day.
I want to recover. But also, I don’t.
Sometimes I just wish that everyone would leave me alone. I feel continuously hounded by my therapist, dietitian, support worker, psychiatrist and family. Sometimes I wish that they would all just leave me alone with my eating disorder. The constant phone calls to see what I’ve eaten, the endless appointments – four in four days this week, are just too much.
Just let me sleep!