Community Support & Outpatient Therapy · Living with anorexia

Just let me sleep!

I hardly have any energy today – not for the usual reasons of starvation and sleep deprivation, but because my psychiatrist prescribed me some anti-psychotic medication earlier this week.  The idea is to reduce my anxiety so that I can get some sleep, and stay well enough to avoid an admission to an inpatient unit.  They seem to be working too well though.  I am constantly fighting to stay awake.  Yesterday I slept for half of the afternoon and then a solid twelves hours overnight, from eight until eight.  That is not like me at all!

I do feel a lot less anxious already though.  Partly due to the medication, but also because I ended up going to A&E earlier this week, as my support worker was concerned about my blood pressure and pulse.  I had an ECG and blood tests done, the results of which were all normal.  I feel reassured that physically, I am not in too much danger right now.

The problem with being reassured though, is that the anorexic part of my mind is telling me it is safe to lose more weight.  I’ve been pretending to follow my meal plan; adding in the snacks as directed by my therapist.  But in reality, I simply have a bag of cereal bars, biscuits and nuts hidden under my bed.  I just don’t know what to do.  I feel terrible for lying, up until now I have always been honest with my mum about what I have eaten, but I just cannot bring myself to eat that much extra each day.

I want to recover.  But also, I don’t.

Sometimes I just wish that everyone would leave me alone.  I feel continuously hounded by my therapist, dietitian, support worker, psychiatrist and family.  Sometimes I wish that they would all just leave me alone with my eating disorder.  The constant phone calls to see what I’ve eaten, the endless appointments – four in four days this week, are just too much.

Just let me sleep!

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15 thoughts on “Just let me sleep!

  1. Chicken risotto have you ever had a loving relationship with a human ? not a demon which is what your eating disorder is ? do you realize that demon Ana wants you to starve yourself to death then she will move onto her next victim and not give you a second thought ? whispering all the sweet things they want to hear into their ears , then when she has her feet under the table she will put the screws on and insist on starvation – Ana is a …. a demon ? I know you are too deep into your eating disorder to listen to me – she is calling you and you are going along with her willingly – I feel sorry for your Mum and family as they look on at you and feel helpless and very scared because they love you – Ana secretly hates you ? btw the anti psychotic drugs won’t get rid of Ana – they get rid of schizophrenic and BPD voices because they are hallucinatory – but Ana is real. I am going to pray for you this evening – meanwhile here is an amazing song for you and everyone else to listen to

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  2. Hey just want you to know I’ll pray for you. I bet it feels so good to just sleep and not worry constantly about what is tearing you apart inside that you can’t control. Eating disorders are designed to kill and the worst part, is if noone was calling you. Can you imagine if you faced this alone and the people in your life silently let you be killed? Think of the faces of those people who call and check up with love when it’s too hard to tell the truth. Maybe love will get you through when the pills can’t. ❤ aloha

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  3. I know how depressing it can be when your life just seems to be a series of appointments. It’s good to have that support but when it’s so intense, your only life becomes your mental illness and that can make recovery harder. Your test results mean that it is not too late to get your life back without the horrible irreversible damage that could happen if you try to lose more weight. You will never lose enough weight, you will never be good enough, because that is how anorexia makes you feel. Try and find a way to separate yourself from the eating disorder, and listen to you instead. Rooting for you ☺️

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  4. Those words resonate so much with how I feel and where I am with this. This constant battle, I understand how you feel when tests all come back within the guidelines to say physically we are fine, because all mine came back the same last week – that started a huge argument with me because I said the same thing, see if I was as ill as people say it would show! But I think you know that’s not how this works, you are intelligent enough to say that. I know it is confusing thinking do I want to get well because that would mean facing up to this and the pain it will bring. Part of you (a part I don’t want to acknowledge either) wants to be well because you are attending your appointments – whilst those appointments are to help they don’t understand how exhausting it is to keep up.

    It is good you are sleeping because that will help no end, and the medication seems to be taking the anxiety levels down – win win, and if that is what you need keep up with that regime.

    It is horrible to lie to loved ones, but they know that is not the real you, that is the anorexic part of you – you don’t need to loose anymore weight, you need to sleep – whilst you are sleeping you are not having to put up with the mind games.

    Can you take fluid easier than solids? I am thinking it would be a gentle way to slowly increase nutrition without it being scary?

    I find it’s one way of cheating my anorexia, it’s become a game for me. A battle we face each day, but you will know when you are 100% committed to this, and my therapist says as long as I keep fighting and attending that’s fine for now.

    You are trying from what you write, and that’s bravery – but you won’t see it because your anorexia is blocking it – but you are a warrior and you have support. X

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    1. Thank you 🙂 Sometimes I feel like I am saying all the right things at my appointments and to my family etc, but behind my words I’m just deliberately sabotaging everything. It’s a frustrating cycle.

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      1. Oh yes, I sit and have the most absurd conversation with my team, I am saying “logically I know my body won’t keep going without fuel, yes I know I am ill” etc etc..but then I come out and it’s like well that went well didn’t it! But I get so annoyed with myself for it and like the vicious cycle starts up…I am trying to be more aware and stop doing it, but it all has to be worked on 😣😡

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  5. I’m glad to hear you’re taking anti-psychotics – I fought taking them for way longer than I should have. What little sleep I do get is because I take one at night and it helps a lot with the frenetic energy I have before bed. Funny because I’m utterly exhausted all day but when it’s time to go to bed I feel like I can run a marathon. Sometimes I’ll take an extra one during the day too. Sadly I have other issues so I get maybe 5 – 5 ½ hrs of sleep but it’s better than it used to be!

    With your meal plan, at least you’re trying! I know the frustration though. My nutritionist says to do this: “what seems an enormous amount of things” and I do this: “tiny thing” but she does understand that sometimes doing that one tiny thing is the biggest thing in my life. So even though I’m becoming a basket case, she does validate my trying.

    I’m hoping this validates your small attempts. Maybe your meal plan isn’t perfect but you are showing up at appointments. Maybe showing up is all you can do right now. It’s a start. Most of the time I don’t want to do anything but I do show up. I think we need to honor that in ourselves. You’ve said you know you can’t carry on and neither can I but we do have a mental illness so it takes time. Let’s just hope that we can both make our way back before we do too much damage.

    Right now I have to trust the professionals because I simply don’t trust myself at all. It’s hard enough battling the ED voice that says the only thing they want is to make me fat. I know they don’t. It’s a small battle I can fight. Maybe fighting that will give me the strength to fight the bigger battle of recovery.

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