Living with anorexia

I want anorexia back

Sometimes I really miss ‘being anorexic’.  I was talking to my mum this afternoon, who attends an eating disorder carers support group.

“But,” she said, “I don’t really feel I need to go anymore, your eating is not really a problem now.”  And in that moment I felt broken.  I wanted more than anything to be anorexic again.  I don’t want my mum to have to suffer to the point that she needs a support group, but I desperately wanted to be ill again, to be as ill as the daughters of the other mums that attend the support group.

I miss being skinny.  I miss looking ill.  I miss the joy I got from losing weight.  I hate being bigger.  Logically I know that anorexia wrecked my life, took everything from me and gave me nothing but months spent in hospital in return.  I know that my life will be so much better if I leave anorexia behind.  So why is it tempting me back?

16 thoughts on “I want anorexia back

  1. First of all I totally understand, like totally.

    Secondly, to me it is so clear why you would want to go back. Your mom just said she doesn’t think she needs the group anymore- a support group for carers. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care for you, but I can imagine the threat of such. You don’t want anorexia back, you don’t want to risk being uncared for.

    Every time I have follow up appointments at the hospital I looking longingly into the inpatient ward. I catch myself wanting to go back! What?! Of course I don’t want to be that sick again, of course I don’t want IVs and ekg’s and blood woes daily…so what do I want? I want to be cared for, validated, taken seriously, relief. That’s what the hospital gave me and that’s what I want back.

    Sounds like your experience with your mom might be similar. It’s not the anorexia you want, it’s the care and concern you want. I don’t know your mom but if she is going to a support group I imagine she loves you and cares for you.
    I hope you know your mom will still care for you and will still be concerned for you even if she decides to stop attending the group

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  2. Sweetie!!! YOU ARE PERFECT THE WAY YOU ARE!!! Eating disorders are so tough… especially in the moments like you described 💔 check out “Meet Nikki, my eating disorder” and see if that helps at all! You are beautiful!!!

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  3. Hello friend. I just read your post about wanting anorexia back. In my opinion, I think you want it back because although your attitude has changed, your outlook has not changed. You might have been forced out of anorexia by your family, but your ideas have yet to shift.

    Dear friend, you need to know that our real value does not come from how we look, our real value comes from our relationship with God. There is a life beyond this life that we are living, it is called the eternal life. The eternal life is permanent, and so much longer than the life that we are currently living. We need to prepare for the eternal life. We do not gain access into the eternal life based on how we look, but based on our relationship with God. God would like for you to be healthy, because he would not want you to fall sick due to poor lifestyle choices, however, you need to know that God should be the most important part of your life.

    Say this prayer with me:
    “Father God. Thank you for the gift of life. I am aware that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I thank you for that. I pray to be healthy lord, I pray to be surrounded by healthy people who will encourage me not to go back to my unhealthy past. Teach me lord to see my real beauty at my current size, shape and form. And most importantly lord, teach me to see what is really important, which is you”

    If you wish to start a relationship with God (if you do not already have one), here are the steps that I usually recommend:

    1) find a quiet space free from distractions, a place where you can pray.

    2) imagine that Jesus is in front of you, talk to him the way you will with a close friend. Tell him that you are ready to accept him, invite him to come into your life and become your lord and personal savior. Ask for forgiveness of past sins. Tell Jesus that you want to die to your old self and be reborn as a new creation in him. Pray that you inherit eternal life and the kingdom of God. Beware of sudden distractions when you pray, this is a trick the devil uses to stop us from having focused prayers. You might also get the feeling that God is not there or that you are simply wasting your time, this is another trick that the devil uses to discourage us from prayers.

    3) If you have any specific prayers, or something specific that you need, you can ask it in Jesus name, and God would attend to the prayers. God usually has three answers to prayers: Yes, Yes but wait, and No. God has a reason for every answer, and his answers are usually what is best for you. When you pray, you need to have faith that you will receive. God does not like it when we pray but doubt his ability to provide what we want for us. Lastly, prayers and faith without works wont bring results. E.g. If all a person does is prays and has faith that they would get a job, without actually applying to jobs, they WOULD NOT get a job. God does not work that way, God loves hard-working people, and God rewards hard-work. If all Christians had to do is pray, have faith, and stay home all day awaiting a blessing, Christians would be the laziest people on earth. LOL. Your part is to pray that God should fast-track your success, so that you recieve your blessings quicker that people who are relying on their own strength. Your blessings might also come in a bigger way. Remember to thank God when you get the answers to your prayers.

    4) Read the bible and obey it. You can find free bibles online. You can also find free bible apps on google play. Keep praying all the time and maintain a connection with God.

    5) Trials and tribulations may come your way, sometimes these are designed to test your faith, and sometimes they are simply tricks from the devil to get you to denounce the religion. At times like this, you pray to God, you fast, and you maintain consistency in the faith, this way, God would lift you above all trials and afflictions.

    6) You can join a community of bible believing Christians. Having friends who are believers would keep you on track, and the conversations about the religion would be beneficial to your faith.

    7) Get a water baptism, and pray to God so that you can receive a baptism in the holy spirit.

    Remember that God loves you, and he wants to connect with you. I would strongly suggest that you give God a chance. Have a blessed day, amen.

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  4. I understand the temptation more than you can know- no words can change the way one thinks with this disorder. Remembering the best feelings will never be as good as feeling them- no matter how hard I hold on those things are already gone, and now I get to find out how great all these new things feel (and taste) 🙂

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