Inpatient

First week of admission

Today is day 6 of my inpatient admission. It’s been a tough week. I feel battered and exhausted. It has been a continuous onslaught of fear foods. Chocolate brownie, treacle sponge, cake, potatoes, pastry… Tonight is rice which I am dreading. I have had panic attacks over the last two meals and now been prescribed Diazepam. 

I lost weight between my weigh ins on Tuesday and Friday. I havent managed to complete my meals even though I am only on half portions. They tell me it is not much food but it feels like more food than I have ever eaten. ‘Portion distortion’ apparently. The dietitian has made a few changes to my meal plan to try and make it more manageable, but if things don’t start to improve soon then they will have to look at moving me to another unit for NG feeding. The threat of that is hanging over me, making me feel unsettled.

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3 thoughts on “First week of admission

  1. Sounds quite tough, but it is portion distortion, CR. It stinks that it feels quite so otherwise, but I do hope/think that will change. And it’s great that you have been managing to eat a bit positively (really, thumbs up for toughness), but you’ve been malnourished so long that a bit positively likely doesn’t help the deficit, nor would it help you over the long haul. The malnourishment is probably what the NG would be for. But don’t even think about that. Just breathe and try to sort through the haze. Portion distortion of someone who needs proper nourishment (they won’t provide anything but) to be healthy, not ‘portion distortion.’ Despite what your brain says, life isn’t a landmine of foods. And being malnourished doesn’t help the you that is so much more than an eating disorder.

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  2. Sometimes when a person starts eating again their metabolism goes in to overdrive and it causes weight loss. I think that is why they, um, shove so much food at us. I so identify with feeling battered! I am also really glad you have a dietitian who is trying to make things manageable. I know it is super hard and super scary but if you do end up on the NG, remember it isn’t forever. It is “temporary”. I felt like I’d never ever be able to eat all the food they gave me once I got home and here I am eating. It’s like the program got me into the habit of eating instead of not eating. Yeah, I still have slips and bad days, sometimes weeks, but I am more motivated to get back on track. And honestly, lol, the fear of going back into a program is a huge motivator. 😛

    Only you can know if you can do this but know that I am rooting for you. Hang tough my friend!!

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