Living with anorexia

This is today

I am weaker with each day that passes.
This is tiredness like I have never known.
Overwhelming exhaustion.
I can barely move.
I just want to close my eyes.
Stay in bed.

And then there is the pain.
I am so sore.
Constantly shifting.  Cannot get comfortable.
Ribs against elbows.
Bum against chair.
An aching chest.

My brain hardly functions.
I have no interest.  No concentration.
I can barely remember.
This is not me.
I don’t want to die.
Yet I am fighting against life.

The food is hidden.
The milkshake poured away.
The lies are mounting.
Just eat.  Just drink.  Just keep yourself alive.
But I can’t.  I can’t.
And I don’t know why.


3 thoughts on “This is today

  1. Here’s a thought that has helped me many times when I was struggling like you are now: what’s the worst feeling in the world? Gaining weight, right? Since you know you will be admitted to hospital no matter what, you know that every pound you loose now you will have to gain back later. Believe me, gaining that pound will make you feel way worse then you’re feeling now if you would keep it on. With the foresight of hospital, every pound you loose basically just prolongs the time you ll be gaining weight, which is the time you hate and fear more than anything in the world. Please don’t loose that extra pound. It’s not worth it. Believe me, it’s not. Love Ana


  2. For me, I had to start with food. I had to start eating before I was ready. I would never be ready. And then, once I was eating, my thoughts started to change. My brain was getting the nutrients and oxygen it needed. It’s still hard to eat, but not nearly as hard as trying to “think” my way out of it. Food is the answer. It will become more clear with time, and less scary. The scary parts will fade as you go. xo

    Liked by 1 person

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