Hope

Mothering Sunday

20170318_150806I feel like such a let down.

It’s Mothering Sunday (my mum always insists on calling it that, she says Mother’s Day is an American corruption…) and my family are eating a meal together.  I know how much it would mean to my mum if I ate with them, but I cannot bring myself to.

“Are you sure you don’t want any vegetables?” my mum asked as we stood in the kitchen.  I shook my head.  I wanted to say yes, I wanted to sit with them at the table, I wanted to eat a meal with them.  But the anxiety, the panic, the fear stops me.

I know how pleased my mum would be.  I so badly want to make her proud.  I want to give her a glimmer of hope.  Instead I give her a present that my sister bought, as I have barely been able to get to the shops this week.  I stayed at home as they went out for breakfast together.  I sat in another room whilst they ate lunch.

I wish I could make my mum proud.  I wish I could explain how much I love her.  How much I appreciate every little thing she has done for me in the past few months.  I am sorry for every time I have unreasonably shouted and blamed her.  I see how stressed and upset she is, and the guilt hurts me.  I am sorry for every lie I have told her.  Every time I have promised that I’ve eaten.  Every piece of food I’ve hidden.  I wish I wasn’t like this.

I am grateful for every night she has sat with me and reassured me through a panic attack.

I love her for every time she has asked how she can help.

I appreciate every time she listens to me.

She sees me hurting, and she knows she cannot take the pain away.  But she is always by my side.  She never leaves me.  She fights alongside me.  And with her support, I will get better.

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Mothering Sunday

  1. Mother’s are the best. I’m so blessed to have a mom who is so supportive of me. I know I’m not an easy case to handle. You can’t beat a mother’s love. ❤ Also, I got a chuckle out of the "American corruption" comment. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sometimes the guilt and shame of our behavior can be so overwhelming. That is the part that people are so unaware of. Yes, we “what” to eat but it’s like it’s been taken out of our control. When I got to that point I new I needed to be in treatment. The main reason I went was to be some place I’d be forced to eat. I knew nutrition would clear my head enough to be able to get back a wee bit of willingness. I hope you can find your way back.

    Oh, have you considered writing your mum a letter and sending it to her? Receiving something in the mail is special in itself but then to have it from a daughter I’d imagine would make it that much more special. Maybe it could be a way for you to communicate your feelings, thoughts, etc.

    Like

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