Living with anorexia

Suspicious Minds

It’s a precise routine.

I carefully pour my milk into the little measuring jug, ready for breakfast.  I add a few drops to my tea and return the bottle to the fridge.

After a few failed attempts at trying semi-skimmed milk, I am back to the safe skimmed variety.

But this morning something is wrong.

We’re caught in a trap…

I pick up the measuring jug and slowly swill the contents round.  Does it look more milky than usual?  Less watery?  More like semi-skimmed milk?  Has someone been tampering with my milk?

I can’t walk out…

Because I love you too much baby…

I remember reading an article about a mother who took to filling the skimmed milk bottle with semi-skimmed milk, in a desperate attempt to get some calories into her anorexic daughter.  And suddenly, my mind is full of suspicion.  Has my mum been secretly replacing my safe milk with a higher calorie variety?  I imagine her standing alone in the dark kitchen, late at night, lit only by the fridge light, quietly pouring milk from one bottle to another.  I am aware it’s a ridiculous thought.  But maybe it’s not? She is that desperate after all.  Would she do that?

Why can’t you see…

What you’re doing to me…

When you don’t believe a word I say?

And suddenly my anorexic mind is off on an unfathomable journey of suspicion and panic.  It happens without warning.  I had felt fine just moments before.  Ready to face the day.  And then I poured the milk.  And that little anorexic thought crept in.  Suspicion flooded my mind.  All I can think about is the milk, and who might have tampered with it.

We can’t go on together…

With suspicious minds…

I try to be rational.  It’s unlikely anyone has touched my milk.  And even if they had, what would it matter?  It’s only a few calories difference.  But it’s not enough.  I swill the milk round and round, peering at it anxiously, as though somehow it will reveal it’s secrets.

We can’t build our dreams…

On suspicious minds…

Mum promises she hasn’t touched it.

Here we go again…

“And dad hasn’t either?” I ask.

Asking where I’ve been…

“No!  I can honestly say we haven’t touched your milk.”  She sounds upset.  I don’t want to be suspicious of her.

You can’t see these tears are real…

I’m not convinced.  But I fight on.  I pour the milk onto my breakfast and I eat it.

I’m crying…

I wish the anorexic voice wasn’t so powerful.  I wish it listened to my rational brain.

We can’t go on together…

With suspicious minds…

My rational brain knows it doesn’t matter what milk I drink, how many grams of peas I eat, how much each slice of bread weighs.  But anorexia does not listen.  I want to stop believing anorexia’s lies.  I want to leave anorexia behind.

And we can’t build our dreams…

On suspicious minds…

Together, anorexia and I are stuck.

We’re caught in a trap…

I can’t walk out…

Because I love you too much baby…

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Suspicious Minds

  1. It’s unreal the lengths we will go to to calm that voice, isn’t it? Just a couple weeks ago I was visiting my mom and found myself digging through the kitchen garbage bin to find an ingredients list. She was clearly upset but it feels so desperate on in the inside.

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    1. Hey, thanks for getting in touch, it’s really nice of you 🙂 It’s not going that well to be honest, I’ve been put on the waiting list for an inpatient bed now. Quite scared but I think it’s probably the right thing for me now. How are things going for you??

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      1. That’s ok! I was thinking about you and was wondering how your getting along. I know what it’s like. I’ve got the day hospital starting next week but massively struggling to get anything down me this week. Even water!! Sounds crazy I know. We will get there I’m sure. Well I hope. Wishing you well x

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  2. The waiting is the worst…. having finally committed but still doing behavior, it was like torture. I knew I was only making it worse but I couldn’t stop. I felt compelled to get all I could out of the anorexia as awful as that sounds. I didn’t, couldn’t believe that the obsessive thoughts would diminish with nutrition. It seemed completely incomprehensible to me and yet it’s true. Do I still have obsessive thoughts? Yes! Do they consume me all day long? Nope. Who knew….

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