My weight is down even more this morning.
I feel so strangely conflicted.
I keep saying that I can’t stop the weight loss on my own. But I’m not sure if I’m trying. Do I want to stop losing weight?
I have an image of my future where I am recovered. But at the moment I am still strangely satisfied as I get worse each day.
I want to be recovered. But do I want to recover?
I’m panicking less, I’m sleeping better, the palpitations have gone. I’m feeling better. But I’m at my lowest ever weight. And I feel like I can keep coming down. I have no reason to stop.
Chicken Risotto 
I don’t have an eating disorder, so I hope you won’t mind my two cents. I think an anexoric brain wants to meet a standard of beauty that is hugely unrealistic and unhealthy — and one where, physically, you don’t feel better. I’m sure you want to recover, but when things are sparse in one’s life, it’s easy to just set your brain to coast along on automatic. A lack of luck, convenience doesn’t at all mean that you’re a disaster.
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Thank you. I’m sure you are right. It’s just frustrating that I can’t seem to get out of the mindset I’m stuck in
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The world can be and is often a bit ludicrous. Try not to get too bogged down by that. Being able to laugh in appreciation for what’s really great about life, minus the ludicrous hype, can help one keep going and be maybe just a bit stronger on the inside.
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anorexic*
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