Living with anorexia


I always thought anorexics must be so hungry all the time.

How wrong I was.

I rarely feel hungry.

My stomach doesn’t rumble.  I don’t feel empty.  I don’t want food.

Instead, the hardest side-effect of starvation is feeling so tired.

The tiredness is crippling.

The afternoon is the worst.  I can barely leave the sofa.  I just want to curl up and do nothing.  The thought of having to stand up is draining.  I could stay curled up in my little corner of the sofa, under my blanket, forever.

I marvel at the energy of those around me.  How do they get up and go to work? And come home and go out in the evening?  It seems superhuman to me.  I don’t remember what is like to have that much energy.

My logical brain kicks in.

“Just eat something and you will have the energy to go out and enjoy yourself.”

But that would mean eating something.

And that just feels too much.

Instead I eat my tiny breakfast and my almost non-existant lunch and resign myself to the fact that I won’t have the energy to do anything.

Anorexia is not logical.


6 thoughts on “Tired

  1. You’re also struggling with depression, and as someone who isn’t anorexic, it’s easy to focus on that and not see that you are in dire need a very specific kind of support — which I also encourage you to let your family know you need.

    If someone can’t be there to eat every meal with you, make sure that someone ensures you’re not below, altogether, the daily amount you need. Just do put in human safeguards until you’re stronger, which is going to happen. Don’t let that anorexic brain think that tired is all you are. Even if you do get a bit more energy, it may be hard to get out of a rut. But try to do whatever you love for free.

    That laughter helps anything may seem like such a cliche, but it does bring a kind of energy. It’s depression flipped upside down, and I do hope you get to laugh a lot more.


  2. I feel like the only time I have energy is when I know there’s a way out or at least a fallback. When I have a plan and can glimpse just for a moment not freedom from anorexia but a lessening of it’s rigid grip over my mind and body. I also think that strength is pushing against weakness. Anorexia feeds on weakness and tears bigger holes, any attempt to keep breathing even, is enough. I had a best friend in high school who I love to pieces, he was the only one who treated me like a real person. Like the mental illness was an illness and I was still a Hannah. I paint and draw and put kind words and pictures of people I love who I know love me all over my room, phone screen, at the table, so constantly when I am weak I remember I need to be strong not just for me but for him too. Love can make you stronger.

    Liked by 1 person

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