My meal tonight was the same as it is most nights – veggie sausage and veg. My family had Saturday night pizza and chips. I was so jealous. I used to love pizza. But I didn’t have any. I hate anorexia. It takes the joy of food away from me. I can’t enjoy pizza anymore. All I see are calories. I can’t wait until I am well enough to eat pizza with my family. But right now all I can eat is vegetables. It’s so boring. But it’s all that anorexia will allow me. I hate it. I want to recover. But also I don’t. Also I want the comfort of anorexia. The comfort of eating veg. The comfort of safe food.
Chicken Risotto 
I hate anorexia too. Happy to hear you’re eating but I know the food jealousy too. Hugs 💗
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Same feeling as you. My roommates keep baking treats and leaving them out on the counter and offering them to me and I want to eat cookies with them, but I feel so guilty at the same time. Today we all want to go out to eat and I want my safe food. I’m terrified of eating normally, just like you, hopefully all this work we do is worth it. I think it is.
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the excruciating truth is that with safer food and a smaller body, your life can never be anything BUT small. caged. imprisoned. vacant. pizza is scary, sure, but a life where you actually feel WILDLY ALIVE is so damn worth it. THAT IS WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT. AND YOU CAN GET THERE. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BELIEVE. why allow any more time to be stolen from you from the vicious grasp of a disorder that wants only to end your life? you deserve so much more. light. life. freedom. peace. 💙💙💙💙
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I hear ya, I hate anorexia too and feel the mix of wanting to recover and fear around the thoughts of recovery. FUME! At the moment I’ve tipped over into frustration with it, recovery is so hard xo Em
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