Inpatient · Treatment

Weight worries

Today I have been in an eating disorder unit for 10 weeks. I am weighed each week. After 8 weeks at the first unit I had not gained any weight. However since moving here nearly 3 weeks ago and going through the refeeding program, I have consistently gained weight. A substantial amount. And I hate it. It’s so hard to deal with. I am heavier now than I have been in months. I know I need to gain weight to get better and go home but I feel like all my hard work is being undone. When I got on the scales this morning and saw how much my weight had increased I felt terrible. Like a failure. I know my thinking is twisted, but I still do not want to gain weight. I am slowly realising that here I have no choice. There is no lying or hiding food here. I have to accept that whatever I do, and despite what I want, I am stuck here and I will gain weight.

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4 thoughts on “Weight worries

  1. You are not a failure – this is a huge success. It’s anorexia in your head who is saying this is a failure – because for once, it’s losing the battle. This is exactly how I felt at the start of my recovery. The sight of my weight on the scales would make me feel awful. But I needed them to put on the weight – to monitor myself (and let others check the progress). Then I decided to throw them away – and for a good month I was living in a world where I didn’t know whether I had lost or gained weight. It was horrible. I felt out of control. But I was actually gaining control back.

    Now, I have no idea what I weigh. I haven’t for a good 14 months now. And being this unaware of my weight is the most in control and content I’ve ever felt.

    I wish you could see my diary, as I wrote a similar entry to this blog post a couple of years ago. I felt exactly the same and thought there was no end in sight.

    This is the hardest part, but it will get easier – you will feel better, and you WILL beat this thing.

    x

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  2. I feel your pain. I stood on the scales today and I’ve gained loads in a week 😦 and my mind is telling me that’s bad and I need to lose it or exercise. But I can’t as if I do then I’ll be stuck here. It’s like a devil and and angel pulling me in different directions. I haven’t Looked at my body in ages and I dint shower cos I can’t stand the thought of seeing or feeling my body.
    Your a strong lady and although right now for both of us weight gain is scary it’s a process that we have to do. We have no choice. So I’m here to support you every step of the way. Weight gain equals recovery. Weight gain equals life and freedom xx

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  3. I also understand. Where I go they don’t show us our weight, or any of the numbers. Having bought a scale though I am now, once again tortured every morning. I hope that one day I’ll be okay, and I hope that for you too. Right now my meals are fraught with guilt. If I eat I feel guilty because of loyalty to anorexia. If I don’t eat I feel guilty because of my commitment to recovery.. It seems like a lose-lose situation, however based on that month (June) when I was compliant, I know that by the end of the month I felt less guilt with eating then not eating. Actually I forgot that till I wrote this. What a good reminder!

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  4. The anorexic thinking is half the battle, maybe even more than half, and I hope that they’re also treating that there, ’cause you are anything but a failure.

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