Today has been a better day. After feeling pretty lifeless all week, this morning I felt a bit stronger.
I’ve been almost house-bound all week, so I decided to use my new-found energy to spend the afternoon out with my sister visiting Hobbycraft. Last weekend my mum took me there but I felt so weak and tired we came straight home. Today we spent almost an hour browsing the aisles. I have ordered an expensive notebook to use as a recovery journal and so I treated myself to a selection of stickers to decorate it with.
It sounds positive, but that is not the whole truth. Eating hasn’t been good today. I skipped lunch – I nibbled one corner of a slice of toast, then hid it in my cupboard. And then I poured away the nutritional milkshake I claimed to have drunk. It seems like it might be quite a wait for an inpatient bed. I need to stay well enough not to end up in A&E, and I know the only way to do that is to up my intake. Only yesterday my therapist was telling me this was a life or death situation, and yet still I cannot bring myself to eat more. My weight has stayed the same, but despite how ill I am, I cannot help but keep trying to lose more. It really is insanity.