Living with anorexia

Three Hot Cross Buns & Two Lots of Lies

I’m going to whisper it.

Listen closely.

I’m sorry.

“I did eat the hot cross bun.  But I skipped lunch to make up for it.”

I had the audacity to make it seem like a success.  Maybe I wanted to believe it was a success.  But it wasn’t.  I’m sorry.  I took my lunch to my room, and hid it.  The slice of toast and boiled egg joined the food party in my wardrobe.  And then I came downstairs and sat with you, and ate half a hot cross bun.

If you knew the truth I know you’d hurt.  So I lie.  I let you think I am getting better.  But I am not.  I’m sorry.  I wish I could be honest with you.  I’m trying my best.  I promise.  But it’s not enough.

I tried again this week.  We have agreed that we will go out for coffee and a bun before easter.  And I so badly want to.  I want to succeed.  I want you to see me getting better.  And so I keep trying.  But still I fail.  It was true what I said.  I did have half a hot cross bun for my snack.  But you didn’t ask about lunch.  So I didn’t tell you I missed it.  Again.  Two attempts at eating a bun.  Two missed lunches.  Two lots of lies.  I’m sorry.

There was a third attempt too.  Like the first, I let you witness this one.  But, although you didn’t know it, this one was harder.  I had eaten lunch.  I waited until you came in from work.  I sat with my bun on the plate in front of me.  I nibbled at it.  And I waited for you to take pity on me.  You told me I’d tried.  I’d done well.  “I can’t manage any more.”  “You’ve done your best.”  The bun is still there.  Uneaten.

But my resolve is unbroken.  I will keep trying.  Because I am determined.  We will go out for that damn hot cross bun!  How long till Easter?


(You can read the first part of my hot cross bun story here)

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4 thoughts on “Three Hot Cross Buns & Two Lots of Lies

  1. I feel you, love. To the eating disordered-mind, even little things like enjoying a pastry feel like a massive failure. I understand. The other day I took my girl friends out for ice cream. I was proud of myself for that–except I skipped lunch. So I get it. But don’t beat yourself up. You will get to a place where you can eat your lunch and your hot cross bun without a side of guilt. Ironically, I think the voice that beats us up when we skip meals is the same one that told us to skip in the first place. It’s sabotage. But it’s not real; it’s a disorder–try to remember that. Stay strong. ❤

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  2. 2 steps forward, 3 steps back…Often, that’s just how it goes.

    What are those with eating disorders really good at it? Criticizing ourselves. Putting ourselves down.

    We need to not do that 🙂

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  3. I get this. Man it’s so hard. Could you open up and be honest that you would find a bun really hard after lunch, but then do it anyway with a distraction plan in place? Maybe just being totally honest about it would get you the extra support that you need? Hugs x

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