This week my mum returned to work after 9 weeks off caring for me.
After weeks of having her around all the time, it is strange to be alone again.
In many ways I have returned to my pre-Christmas life, day after day, alone, sitting on my parent’s sofa.
For the first time I have just read back over some of my blog posts from that time, and I am shocked by how depressed I sound. I write about how scared I am, about heart palpitations, being alone and helpless. I wallow in self-pity and look enviously on the lives of others.
That was nearly three months ago now. So have things changed? Have I improved?
The honest answer is I don’t know.
In some ways I am feeling better than I did in November and December. I am on anti-depressant and anti-psychotic medication, which has reduced my anxiety and lifted my mood a little. I hadn’t realised how badly sleep deprivation was affecting me and now I am sleeping well, I feel better.
I have structured my day better, and have found constructive past-times to fill my time. I am eating meals at more regular times.
But, my weight has continued to fall. I am now at my lowest ever weight. Am I eating more than I was in November? No. I am simply lying more. It has become part of my routine to take food out of the cupboard, hide it in my room and dispose of it outisde the house later. I feel trapped by my lies. I feel overwhelming guilt. I hate lying. But the thought of eating everything on my meal plan is just too much. I cannot do it. I still feel scared and uncertain about what is going to happen.
Chicken Risotto 
Very tough situation, but you are not to blame – I hope you realise that. It takes a lot of courage to even be doing what you’re doing already. Your self-awareness can be your biggest asset though. May the next weight change be a positive one. I want nothing but the best for you.
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Thank you 🙂
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Self-awareness does seem key. You’re struggling with a mental illness, and it’s like walking a tightrope. You eked forward by cooking a different meal, so awesome cooker of a different meal, keep inching your way forward on that tightrope — one you don’t have to walk alone.
I do wish it wasn’t so hard, but you are, after all, a pretty strong egg. Let the self-awareness prepare you for incremental weight gains being positive. For the mentally ill part of you, that’s going to stink. But for the whole of you, it’s going to be — it can only be — excellent ( if it makes more positive, you can go with an egg pun there)..
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Thank you 🙂
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I understand how you feel. I’ve spent the last 7 month being sedentary and rarely leaving home and I do feel guilty about it but at the same time I know it’s what I needed.
Sleep definitely is something that can make a big difference and I’m glad it’s been better for you lately.
In regards to your eating, I say be honest about it. No one can force you to eat right now but maybe with the help from professionals and family members you can work out a different meal plan to ensure that you stop losing weight and then slowly increase it again so that things can get back on track
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Thank you. I have been honest with my dietitian now and told her I’m struggling and she has adjusted my meal plan a little 🙂
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Honesty is such a strong part of my character that the lying that comes with anorexia hurt me like a constant pain in my chest.
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Same!! That is exactly it. The guilt I feel from lying so much is actually painful.
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