Community Support & Outpatient Therapy · Living with anorexia

Milky musings

Milk.

A minefield of choices.

Swapping my usual semi-skimmed milk for skimmed was something I started doing quite early on in my eating disorder.  It took a little while to get used to the watery, less full flavour, but I took comfort in the knowledge that it was a lower calorie option.  Nowadays I won’t drink anything but skimmed milk in my tea or coffee, nor put anything else on my cereal.

My parents have  always been considerate enough to ensure that there is always a bottle of red milk in the fridge alongside their green, but are often infuriated that I won’t make what they see as a small change, back up to green milk.

[To clarify, for non-UK readers: there are three main types of milk sold in the UK, full-fat (blue bottle top) , semi-skimmed (green top) and skimmed (red).  Milk is sometimes referred to by the colour of the top, so semi-skimmed milk is sometimes known as ‘green milk’.]

This week, after a drastic amount of weight loss last week, my dietitian is desperate to increase my calories.  She instructed me to start putting green milk on my cereal.  To me, switching my milk seems a huge step.

I know logically there is not a huge calorie difference.  But something is holding me back.

The furthest I have got towards this goal is mixing the red and green milk.  I promised that I was mixing them equally, but in reality there was very little semi-skimmed milk in my mixture.

Skimmed milk feels comfortable.  Safe.  Anorexic.

In fact my whole breakfast is safe.  Changing the milk took away the safety of that meal and added stress to a previously stress-free time of the day.

Semi-skimmed milk is ‘normal’.  I think I have a fear of eating like a ‘normal person’.  I feel the same about eating two slices of bread for lunch.  That is what ‘normal people’ do.

I can’t do that.

Somehow I need to find a way forward.  The threat of hospital is still looming over me.  I want to recover at home, but I just can’t find a way to push myself at the moment.  My weight is still falling, and I feel powerless to stop it.

Overall, it’s been a frustrating week.

 

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Milky musings

  1. Such a great insight into such a ‘normal’ thing. Out of interest, what would your feelings to the blue top be? Because it isn’t ‘normal’ but obviously the complete other end of the spectrum. I wish I knew more about this topic so I could offer better words of encouragement and help. But either way know that I am right behind you – I also want your help with something shortly – I will email you!

    Like

    1. I’m not sure, there was a time that I would have had blue top without a second thought (Costa/Starbucks drinks etc), but now that seems a long way away. I guess blue top just seems unncessary :/ And I’m looking forward to your email 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I know maybe this advice sounds strange but maybe you’d like to go get a massage? I feel like my anorexia makes my body “disgusting” but for me when someone gives me a massage it’s like a whole opposite message to the one my eating disorder tells me. A massage is nurturing and strengthening when done right and it can help you feel more “in” your body. I like lomilomi- Polynesian massage best. But I just thought I would suggest it. Touch is really really good at lowering stress, stimulating bloodflow, and there are massage therapists out there who work with people with eating disorders and mental illnesses specifically.
    I actually went to mine today, Kaipo, and she’s amazing. It’s not the same as the doctors that push pills and statistics at you, massage therapists tend to be holistic and caring because their tools are love and their hands and that’s it.

    Like

  3. One of the last things I’m doing while still in the treatment program is give one of the nutritionists a fear food list to work through. I even brought something home to challenge myself with. I know I won’t do it on my own. This is hard work my friend…. the fact that you are self aware is the first step.

    ps. I know this post was quite a while ago but I’m catching up, having been gone for so long. I go back to the program last today but will soon be home for good. Hopefully I will finally be able to stay caught up. This online community is one of my only sources of support.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s