Living with anorexia

I would make an excellent spy

I am very good at lying.

I create elaborate stories.  Believable excuses.  Plausible explanations.  You can question me.  But I will have an answer.  I will lie by omission.  I will lie to your face.  Small lies.  Big lies.  I don’t care.  I will hide things.  Manipulate.  And cheat.  There are no lenghts to which I will not go.  No depths to which I will not sink.

You dared to stand in the way of the relentless force of my anorexia.

I tell you how much I want to get better.  How I ate my snacks.  Increased my meal plan.

But they are just lies.

Just one fragile string in a web of lies.  Spinning ever deeper.  Ever tighter.  I cannot break out.

My lies isolate me.  They hurt me.  I feel more guilt than I can possibly describe.

My anorexia marches onwards.  I am powerless.  A guilty wreck.

Even the title of this post is a lie.  I would make a terrible spy.

I hate lying.  It’s lonely, this lie-filled existance.

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9 thoughts on “I would make an excellent spy

    1. No it’s not too harsh, it’s an honest response to my life at the moment. I know I am in an constant fight with anorexia, and I am not always winning, but I am doing my best, and I have an excellent team around me who ensure that I am safe 🙂

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      1. It’s really good to read that you have a great team making sure that you’re safe, but I also think you that it would be a boon if you had substantial in-person support from others who(‘ve) struggle(d) with anorexia and know that the mental illness is making you work against what’s your best interest, even when it seems you’re doing otherwise. That specific kind of helping you push at the edges of anorexia’s limitations with compassion — while also challenging you and your entanglement — seems like it would help you to be, more and more, part of this team, as well.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. All of us lie… all of us with mental illness and/or chronic illness. It’s sad, but true. The only time I’m not lying is when I am alone. I don’t have to hide anything from anyone. My life outside of solitude is all a lie. I’ve learned that people don’t want to hear or see the truth. I try not to blame myself. I wish we lived in a world that let us be who we are. I hope for you a bit of relief, love for your truths and healing for your body and mind ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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