I think I mention often enough on this blog that sleep is something I have struggled with over the past few months.
Severe anxiety at night made falling asleep virtually impossible. So convinced was I that I would die during the night that I refused to allow myself to drift off to sleep.
However, what I had not realised, was how big an impact this was having on my day-to-day functioning.
Just over a week ago I started a new medication, to reduce my anxiety. For the first few days I was incredibly tired, struggling not to sleep during the day and never feeling fully awake. However, after four nights of solid 12 hour sleep I felt better than I had in a long time.
The pains in my chest had all but disappeared, I had more energy during the day and felt brighter, more positive. I was even inspired to indulge in a little self-care.
The importance of this medication was proved to me earlier this week when I forgot to take it. That night, I struggled to fall asleep, my chest felt wrong, I had heart palpitations again. Since then I have taken the tablets religiously.
The unintended consequence of this is that I am struggling to follow my meal plan. I feel better, I don’t need all that extra food! I am losing weight and physically I am still fine. I know this is my anorexia talking, but I am finding it hard to fight it. I feel such a sense of achievement to have defied everyone trying to help me, by continuing to lose weight.
I considered falsifying my weight at my weigh-in this week. I knew my meal plan would be drastically increased if the extent of my weight loss was discovered. In the end, I decided against adding another lie to the ever increasing web. My weight had fallen significantly since the previous week, and I am under stricter supervision this weekend.
Last night, for the first time since taking the tablets, I didn’t feel right. The old chest problems re-emerged, and I woke up this morning feeling weak. I know that I need to follow my meal plan more closely, I can’t carry on like this, the tablets won’t keep me feeling well forever. If I don’t put on some weight soon I will have big problems.
I have made some positive steps forward though. The good quality sleep I have been getting has made me feel more positive. There have been a few little breakthroughs. The biscuit I ate yesterday for my snack, even though I could easily have hidden it and lied. The half slice of toast I had with breakfast on Thursday, completely of my own volition. The squares of chocolate I allowed myself as a snack on Tuesday. I am trying to see these things as positive steps forward, not as failures. It is difficult, but I will keep trying.