Community Support & Outpatient Therapy · Living with anorexia

Time to stop drifting

I need to sort myself out.

The past few weeks and months I’ve allowed myself to drift along.  I haven’t pushed myself.  I’ve been at home since early November, and I’ve settled into a routine with my food.

It’s not a good routine though.  It’s not going to help me recover.

I am desperately trying to choose recovery.

I’ve got two weeks to make ‘significant improvement’ or I will be admitted.  I honestly don’t want that.  I want to get better at home.  I just don’t know how.

I have a strict meal plan to follow over the weekend.  I’ve tried.  I really have.  But I just can’t do it.  I’ve added in a few little snacks.  I’m hoping it will be enough.

This morning I’m supposed to have increased my breakfast, and had a mid-morning cereal bar.  I didn’t even try with breakfast.  I am going to give the snack a go though.  I got as far as getting it out of the cupboard.  I thought maybe I’d have half.  But then I put it back.  I’ll try again.  I really will.

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15 thoughts on “Time to stop drifting

  1. can your Mum or anyone prompt you to eat – by telling you the alternatives if you don’t ? ie you will be admitted to a residential unit where they will force you to eat ?
    it is a real struggle because Ana brainwashed you so you are like one of those people at a hypnotist stage show where the hypnotist tells them to do something and they continue doing it until he brings them out of it – this is the mindset you are stuck in – that’s why I recommend hypnotherapy to erase Ana’s work and reboot your mind trouble is there aren’t many effective ones around and also they are expensive – but if Paul Mckenna treated you he could have you as right as rain after a few sessions – you see you have already proven that you go under hypnosis easily because Ana has hypnotized you – this is science bit – hope it makes sense and good luck

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  2. also your health is at risk – very much so – I know what I have to say goes against the given but I only want to be complementary alongside NHS treatment which I respect because they are life savers even if they force you to eat – they are saving you from Ana and possibly even death

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  3. When I started my treatment my doctor suggested that I first try to establish eating routine at home. And if that doesn’t work to do it in the hospital. We decided to do that because few years ago I tired treatment in another hospital and it was very stressful for me and counterproductive, I left the treatment after 3 days and dieted even more after that. I manged to establish my eating routine at home and here are some things that helped me:
    1. I started to eat with my boyfriend. We had breakfast, lunch and dinner together, In a case we couldn’t eat together because of work, I would send him a picture of a meal before I eat and after I finish (so that he could see ho much I ate).
    And I have to say I it was not always easy, sometimes I cried for hour before before a dinner, but I didn’t want to disappoint my boyfriend. I wanted him to see that I am really willing to get better.
    2. I throw away a scale (that was a huge help).
    3. I tried to make eating food fun. For whole my relationship my boyfriend never had a chance to take me to restaurant because I refuse it. So what we done was we go out on one day trip and then we would by some chicken kebab (since it s a grilled chicken and not many carbs it was acceptable for me to eat it). And since we were active outside, walking for me it gave a false filing like I burned the calories). And this is a huge thing because it is important to start to eat food that someone else has prepared for you.
    4. Every week I went to the doctor to talk about a progress and then we will establish what is a new thing I could try to eat next week (it was always my choice what will i eat). Also they were measuring my weight all the time but I told them that i don’t want to know how much i weight.
    5. I increased my anxiety medication. It was because my anxiety was higher and I didn’t want to risk of throwing up or something.
    6. Eat a food that you like. For the first time after 6 years I had opportunity to eat what I love. Without no guilt. Cause you should feel guilty if you don’t eat it. Think about all people who suffer from obesity and should not eat bunch of stuff and you are in the position when it is good for you to eat it.
    7. I told people that new for my contrition not to comment om on my weight, Once that don’t know I simply lie. I told them that because my thyroid (that I have problem with) doctors gave me some hormones and they make me increase my weight. I know this sounds stupid but for me it was easier to handle it that way. And who cares. I lied so much about my health problems in a past years. This is for a good cause.
    8. This also sound stupid but when I started with the treatment I was reading a lot about deaths caused by anorexia. This helped me to stick with my recovery and to be grateful because I new I could easily end up like that.
    Focus on all bad things that anorexia have brig to you. All night when you watch movie and would be nice to have pizza or popcorn. Dinner with a friends. Just nice time at the restaurant. Having a small cookie with a coffee.
    My boyfriend was and still is my great support! Support of someone who lives with you is important. YOU NEED SOMEONE TO CONTROL YOU AT HOME! I include my boyfriend (this was the first time I include anyone in this). He also went few times with me to the doctor so that he can understand my illness better and also he and doctor could exchange information about how much I eat and what food do I eat.
    I started my treatment in September. I am proud to say that I eat regularly. First month was a ruff but after that everything was easier. It is still not smooth and easy. Sometimes I have a bad days but my anxiety is much lower than it was. I don’t like the way I look. But I finally instead of being preoccupied with my eating and being tiered all the nervous all the time, I do things I love, and distract my thoughts with that.
    Keep one thing in mind. You are killing yourself with anorexia. And if you don’t do something about it it will kill you much sooner than you think, your hart can stop, your brain suffers, your lungs suffers. You could pass out on the street and be run over by a car. You can’t do it on your own. So let other people help you. Because those people will invest their time and energy just so that you can feel better.
    When I started my treatment I didn’t belied in it. I was tired of anorexia but I didn’t thought my behavior could be changed. They prove me wrong!

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    1. Having someone you can be accountable seems like an ideal aspect of recovery. I’ve never had anyone like that and perhaps that is why I still struggle. The only person I am accountable is my nutritionist. I need to become accountable to myself but that is extraordinarily hard to do, especially when in the midst of behavior. I’m definitely going to wander over to your blog and have a look!

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      1. For me my boyfriend was a key. I was trying for years to work with doctors, which was very hard for me. Especially cause I was living in the country where clinic that treats anorexia with adults don’t exist. There are some private clinics but I didn’t have money for that. When I stared to live with my boyfriend it helped me first, because he was so patient and understanding and second because I didn’t want to disappoint him. I am reading one book m psychiatrist recommended me. It is about body image. After establishing regular meals the most important part is to learn to change your body image. If you want I can post you a link for the book. I just started to red it and I don’t know if it is good, but I read very good references about it. I don’t want to sound pessimistic cause I believe you will eventually find your way to recovery, but it is much easier when you have someone to support you. Someone who have authority over you.
        Also it is very important when person start the treatment. I believe that my previous attempts failed because I didn´t want to get rid of illness. Then last year I just became tired of it physically and mentally. I got tired of anxiety, dieting… That was a good moment to start dealing with it.

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      2. After decades of an eating disorder, recovery for me will come through dealing with the demons of my past that effect my present. Even my nutritionist says I’m too smart when it comes to knowledge of eating disorders – many years will do that for you. So thank you for the offer of a book link but I think, for me, keeping my focus off eating disorder related, well, anything… will be more useful. This particular topic has recently come to light so will post a blog to expand on it, as soon as I have a moment to do that, lol.

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    1. I have to say I am feeling very sad. I am far from recovered. I eat, but I hate my body. My anxiety is very strong lately and I often cry when I see myself. Tricky thing about recovery is that that first you have to put a weight and later you work on thoughts. And I don’t know how to change this thoughts! I don’t think they were ever completely go. Sometimes I think I just have to learn to live with a body I hate. Everyone have to find there own path to the recovery. For me this is life in hell! But enough of pessimism. Here are some inspiring photos. I wanna believe that they really made it.
      http://distractify.com/old-school/2014/11/12/15-inspiring-before-and-after-pictures-of-people-who-beat-their-eating-1197798283

      We will always have ups and downs. The only important thing is never to give up!

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  4. I just wanted to echo the other people. I’m am miles away from you but just want to see you get better. I know you can do this. From how you write, you’re smart, eloquent, loving. This will be the toughest battle you’ll ever face but you can xx

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