Living with anorexia

My partner in crime

Why is chosing recovery so hard?

Anorexia has taken everything from me; my job, my flat, my friends, my life…

There is a whole team of people working to help me.

My family are desperate for me to recover.

I can see how much better my life could be.

And yet still I fight against recovery.

Why?

Anorexia is my best friend.  That friend that my parents would call ‘a bad influence’.  The friend that dares me to do something naughty.  That giggles with me when I get away with it.  The friend that pushes me to try new things, to go to places I would never have even considered.  Anorexia is my partner in crime, my soulmate.  The one I have private jokes with.  The one I tell all my secrets to.  The friend that means I am never alone.

Anorexia is my only friend.  I just want to be left alone with my anorexia.

Saying goodbye to that friend is tough.

I know it will all come crashing down.  Anorexia is not the kind of loyal friend that will hang around when everything goes wrong.  Anorexia will lead me into trouble and then run, leaving me to fend for myself.

But saying goodbye to a friend, even one as flawed as anorexia, is never easy.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “My partner in crime

  1. Ana seduces you – at first she is the friend you have only dreamed of ( she knows what you want ) so you let her in willingly – but do you know what she wants ? once she gets in she wants you in her complete control , she wants you to starve yourself and she wants you to kill yourself too – she hates your Mum she wants you to have no friends – only her ? Ana is death and destruction and recovery means first of all getting her out, then it is dealing with the brainwashed mindset she left you with – a mind that thinks normal weight is like a sumo wrestler – it’s a bit like getting off heroin – you will feel that normal life is a bit too raw and boring without her – you will miss her – but you know that she will kill you if she gets a grip again

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I know fighting anorexia is extremely hard. She’s so misleading. She acts like your best friend when in reality she is your very worst enemy. I really hope you can stay in recovery and free yourself from ana’s chains. The first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem and taking the first step into recovery. Now, comes all the hard things. It’s not going to be easy but you have to be stronger than you’ve ever been in your life. Good luck dear!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. In my last therapy session I referred to anorexia as my career. It’s the one thing I’ve stuck with all these years and I’m good at it, so to speak.

    The definition is a career is: an occupation (anorexia) undertaken for a significant period (32 years and counting) of a person’s life and with opportunities for progress (progressive weight loss, diminishment, and numbness).

    I’ve never really thought of anorexia as a friend but more in line with say a baby blanket. It’s a crutch, something I have to have to survive, something I’m unwilling to give up because it’s the only thing that has always, always been with me.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s