Community Support & Outpatient Therapy

Meeting in a coffee shop

I’ve had a support worker before.  Mostly she  listened to me rambling on, trying to make sense of the irrational goings-on in my mind.  I got on well with her.  We had similar personalities and she seemed to understand what I was thinking and how my brain works.

“Always be wary of the word ‘should‘,” I reunnamed-2member her telling me when I told her what I should be doing, eating, working, achieving.  “Always question yourself if you are doing something just because it is what you think you should be doing.”  That has stuck with me as a good piece of advice.

I met my new support worker today.  She asked about my weight, how I was managing with the meal plan, what my mood is like.  The usual questions.

It’s very strange, discussing all these things with a stranger in the middle of a busy coffee shop.  I admitted that I wasn’t managing to make much progress with the additions that my dietitian wanted me to put into my meal plan.  I neglected to mention that this is because I’m not really trying.  I told her honestly that my mood is very changeable, with no discernible pattern.

“Some days I feel fine.  Other times I feel very down.”

“Does that make a difference to what you eat?”

“Not really.  When I feel fine I think, I’m ok, I don’t need to eat more.  And when I feel down I think I can’t push myself today, I’ll try again when I feel a bit better.  I make an excuse regardless of my mood.”

She offered to come to my house at lunch or snack time, for support.  I’m not sure it would help.

“If you came round,” I explained, “I’ll eat a snack in front of you, but I’ll really struggle not to cut something out when you’re not there to make up for it.”

I was very honest.

She asked how my weight had been over the Christmas break.  Again, I was honest and told her it was dropping.  She wanted to know what my BMI was.  I told her.

“Dangerously low,” she responded.  “Does that scare you?”

“Yes.”  I told her how at night I panic that my heart will stop.  How I promise myself that I will eat more tomorrow.  How I never do.

I feel like I’m having the same conversation a lot at the moment.  That I am scared about my health and that I want to recover.

I’m just not sure I believe it.

 

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6 thoughts on “Meeting in a coffee shop

  1. I really respect your honesty and the courage that it would take (for me at least!) to be honest to a new support worker like that straight away, you also seem to know yourself well – you have awareness about what you’re doing and why e.g. compensating xx recovery is really difficult and I have so much respect for all of us who go through this fight, no matter what stage we’re at – no matter how we think we’re doing or how we think we ‘should’ be doing I think we have a lot of courage and deserve respect for still being here xxx The ‘should’ question is a great one !! I’m totally going to use that too. xx sending you extra warmth and hugs because it does sound like things are really tough for you at the moment xxx Em

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  2. When I read your blog it amazes how much you and my son have in common and yet you couldn’t be anymore different than black and white. He is 13, but he is fighting a similar battle with recovery as you. I tell him everyday that he is strong and that he can win, he just has to keep telling himself that until he believes it too. I just want to encourage you to keep telling yourself that you can win this battle, that you are beautiful and strong, keep saying it until you believe it too. Remember everyday is a new day, a chance to have another fresh start, so don’t get discouraged just keep moving forward. (((HUGS)))

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  3. I’m always completely honest with my support team, mainly because I pay a lot of cash to see them and it seems such a waste if I’m not honest. I think a hidden reason might be that I need validation that all is not well. Even with validation my brain will start minimizing it and make it “not a problem.” When I drop in weight I think, “okay, this is the new normal, I’ll stay here.” Then I drop a wee bit more and that becomes the new normal, and so it goes…

    It’s nice to see that you are being honest with your support person. To me, it just feels cleaner to be open and honest. It’s less of a burden to carry. It’s kind of like “at least someone knows…”

    Liked by 1 person

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