I’ve had a support worker before. Mostly she listened to me rambling on, trying to make sense of the irrational goings-on in my mind. I got on well with her. We had similar personalities and she seemed to understand what I was thinking and how my brain works.
“Always be wary of the word ‘should‘,” I remember her telling me when I told her what I should be doing, eating, working, achieving. “Always question yourself if you are doing something just because it is what you think you should be doing.” That has stuck with me as a good piece of advice.
I met my new support worker today. She asked about my weight, how I was managing with the meal plan, what my mood is like. The usual questions.
It’s very strange, discussing all these things with a stranger in the middle of a busy coffee shop. I admitted that I wasn’t managing to make much progress with the additions that my dietitian wanted me to put into my meal plan. I neglected to mention that this is because I’m not really trying. I told her honestly that my mood is very changeable, with no discernible pattern.
“Some days I feel fine. Other times I feel very down.”
“Does that make a difference to what you eat?”
“Not really. When I feel fine I think, I’m ok, I don’t need to eat more. And when I feel down I think I can’t push myself today, I’ll try again when I feel a bit better. I make an excuse regardless of my mood.”
She offered to come to my house at lunch or snack time, for support. I’m not sure it would help.
“If you came round,” I explained, “I’ll eat a snack in front of you, but I’ll really struggle not to cut something out when you’re not there to make up for it.”
I was very honest.
She asked how my weight had been over the Christmas break. Again, I was honest and told her it was dropping. She wanted to know what my BMI was. I told her.
“Dangerously low,” she responded. “Does that scare you?”
“Yes.” I told her how at night I panic that my heart will stop. How I promise myself that I will eat more tomorrow. How I never do.
I feel like I’m having the same conversation a lot at the moment. That I am scared about my health and that I want to recover.
I’m just not sure I believe it.