I could go on about what an awful year 2016 has been.
There have been numerous failings, setbacks and, frankly, disasters along the way, with the result that I’m a long way from where I planned to be.
But instead, I’m going to muster up a little bit of positivity and focus on the here and now.
It’s New Years Eve.
It’s been grey and rainy all day.
I don’t feel well, my chest aches and I am weak and tired.
I’ve been mentally beating myself up all day over a cereal bar I ate at 3am, when I woke up feeling shaky.
But despite all that, I’m determined to make it a positive day.
I’ve allowed myself a little more food than normal, I can feel my body desparately clinging on to whatever nourishment I give it. It’s mentally exhausting – it wasn’t that long ago that I could allow myself a treat every now and then. Now anorexia has taken that from me. Any deviation from my normal routine is painful, even as I feel my body crying out for food and I worry that I won’t make it through the night. But (and here’s the positivity!), I’m managing it today, and I hope that I will be pleased tonight. I have had a piece of fruit with lunch, and my toast today (which I made without crying!) had peanut butter on it. Added to the cereal bar, that feels like a monumentous achievement to me.
This afternoon my mum took me to one of my favourite places, the fisheries, to watch the fish for a while, as I find it so relaxing. I didn’t feel well enough to stay long, but it was nice to go. There are some beautiful aquariums, and I would love one as a project to work on in the new year.
Now we are back at home, cosy and warm inside, as the last light of 2016 fades. I will get myself through my last meal of the year and then light some candles, curl up on the sofa and read my new book.
I won’t stay up until midnight. I don’t mind.
I can’t make a success of this year.
But I can make a success, in some small way, of today.
In the depths of illness, we can be grateful for the little things.