Hope · Living with anorexia

Let’s be grateful for the little things

fish
I could go on about what an awful year 2016 has been.

There have been numerous failings, setbacks and, frankly, disasters along the way, with the result that I’m a long way from where I planned to be.

But instead, I’m going to muster up a little bit of positivity and focus on the here and now.

It’s New Years Eve.

It’s been grey and rainy all day.

I don’t feel well, my chest aches and I am weak and tired.

I’ve been mentally beating myself up all day over a cereal bar I ate at 3am, when I woke up feeling shaky.

But despite all that, I’m determined to make it a positive day.

I’ve allowed myself a little more food than normal, I can feel my body desparately clinging on to whatever nourishment I give it.  It’s mentally exhausting – it wasn’t that long ago that I could allow myself a treat every now and then.  Now anorexia has taken that from me.  Any deviation from my normal routine is painful, even as I feel my body crying out for food and I worry that I won’t make it through the night.   But (and here’s the positivity!), I’m managing it today, and I hope that I will be pleased tonight.  I have had a piece of fruit with lunch, and my toast today (which I made without crying!) had peanut butter on it.  Added to the cereal bar, that feels like a monumentous achievement to me.

This afternoon my mum took me to one of my favourite places, the fisheries, to watch the fish for a while, as I find it so relaxing.  I didn’t feel well enough to stay long, but it was nice to go.  There are some beautiful aquariums, and I would love one as a project to work on in the new year.

Now we are back at home, cosy and warm inside, as the last light of 2016 fades.  I will get myself through my last meal of the year and then light some candles, curl up on the sofa and read my new book.

I won’t stay up until midnight.  I don’t mind.

I can’t make a success of this year.

But I can make a success, in some small way, of today.

In the depths of illness, we can be grateful for the little things.

 

 

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9 thoughts on “Let’s be grateful for the little things

  1. x ooh the fish in the photo are beautiful ! an aquarium sounds like a great idea for a new year project – do you think you could get one? fish are so relaxing ! I have a cat but would love a fish tank too (I wonder if Lucia would hassle the fish or be interested in watching them!!) I’m gonna be in bed before midnight too lol hahah priorities of mine include sleep and sleep 🙂 other people can have fireworks I’m happy with my hot water bottle 😉 hurrah for the small every day victories of self-care 🙂 xxx have an nice evening and chat you in 2017 friend 🙂

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      1. Happy New Year back at ya! I hear you on the dog dream but they are a big commitment – I know some people who use ‘borrow my doggy’ this site where you can sign up as a dogless dog lover and take other people’s dogs for walks… I’m signed up but have never used it so don’t have any first hand experience… Lucia is a super cuddler 🙂 she is non-stop cuddles unless she wants to play in which case she is miaowing at me and bringing me her toys! I had been fostering puppies and kittens for our local spca and had no intention of getting a pet (and had thought of myself as more of a ‘dog person’) but I fell in love with her as soon as I held her and never looked back 😉 would you think of fostering even if you can’t get your own dog? its very rewarding. xx Em

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  2. I think you did really well, I didn’t stay up past 9 NYE – went to bed with my kindle!

    I too love aquarium’s and anything to do with the coast, but we are so far away from one! We do however have 3 doggies and my girls know I am ill, we have a walker come for them as my partner normally works away 4 days a week.

    I was woken up at midnight by my baby because she was scared of the fireworks going off, but I sat with her and cuddled her and she was fine.

    You won’t think you did well NYE, but trust me you did – you went out and you had some toast and peanut butter, two fingers up to anorexia I say, and let’s remember recovery is at our own pace and it’s never a race against anyone else.

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