It’s a strange week, between Christmas and New Year. According to the ‘British Logic’ Twitter feed, or ‘British Problems’ Facebook page, it seems that most of the country is living off a diet of mince pies and leftover turkey with chocolate and prosecco for breakfast whilst contemplating joining the gym or going for a walk, but in reality rarely leaving the sofa.
That isn’t my week.
Eating disorders don’t give you a week off. Even if it is a week where the rest of the country treats itself, because it’s a week where we are ‘allowed’ to rummage through a tin of Celebrations before breakfast.
I haven’t even bothered to look at the vast amount of leftovers currently filling up our kitchen. I know I won’t eat them. I am glad that the Christmas stress is over and I can return to eating my usual meals unobserved by visiting relatives. The pressure to socialise has gone, I can relax, recharge and enjoy my own company. My parents are understanding enough to leave me alone in the kitchen to prepare my safe food, and let me eat it alone in my room.
This time last year I remember looking at all the treats and longing for them. I allowed myself tiny portions of some of my favourites, or replaced a meal with a dessert. This year, I have had nothing. Nothing except my limited selection of safe food. Even on Christmas Day.
But anyway, Christmas is over now, so on with the rest of the week…
It’s a strange week for me because I don’t have any appointments with the eating disorder service. The past few weeks I’ve had at least one, if not two or three appointments each week, and suddenly it’s all gone quiet. Two whole weeks without an appointment seems a long time. Sometimes it is a relief to be left alone for a while, without the incessant questions from my dietitian about exactly what I have eaten? “Did you have a piece of fruit today?” Well no. Do I lie? Should I be honest? What reason do I give? It’s mentally exhausting. But on the other hand, I feel a little abandoned. I weighed myself this morning and my weight has dropped. I’m losing weight quite fast at the moment and I won’t pretend I’m not pleased. I still get a thrill from seeing the numbers drop. Without anyone to check in on me I wonder what will happen. No one will know how ill I am getting. It scares me.
I did have a GP appointment yesterday, but it was a doctor I’d never seen before. The thing with these appointments is I go in the morning. I feel ok then. I smile and laugh and seem fine. I forget how torturous the nights are. How ill I feel most of the time. I put on a front for half an hour, fool everyone into thinking I’m better than I am and no one worries. I hide how unwell I really am from everyone.
Anyway, the doctor was lovely and reassured me that my blood tests and ECG from last week were fine. The thought of that is keeping me going. My blood test appointment for today has been cancelled as the nurse is off sick. Just going to have to hope my good results from last week carry me through until next Friday.
I have my next CBT appointment next week, I’m not really looking forward to it. I have a feeling I will have lost a lot of weight since the last one, and I’m not sure what that is going to mean. I’m not sure what my therapist will say or what she will suggest.
I’m doing my best to eat what I can. One day at a time through this week.