I started to write this post last night, but I was so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open. Getting through Christmas drained me of every last bit of physical and mental energy.
I planned to write about the relief that Christmas was finally over and how I plan to get through the rest of this week. But instead I had a bad night and I need to get that off my chest first…
I had been so looking forward to today, a day to finally have some time alone to relax and recharge. A day to wear some comfy clothes, light some candles and curl up on the sofa with a new book. I still plan to do that, but it will be ruined by the bad cold I have managed to acquire.
I went to bed as soon as the last of our family left. My head throbbed, my throat felt like cut glass, one moment I boiled, the next I froze. I suffer from panic attacks at night anyway, convinced me heart will give up on me in the night. Being ill did nothing to help this, and I had a rough night where I barely slept, but instead lay listening to and feeling every heartbeat.
Convinced that the fever would kill me, I managed to drink a little of the nutritional milkshakes I have prescribed. That calmed me a little and I slept for a while. In the light of morning I feel silly. And all I can think of is how I shouldn’t have had those few sips of milkshake as my weight is up 0.1kg now.
I know it’s irrational. I did what I had to to get through the night. Anorexia at night is somehow a different beast to the day-time illness. I curse myself a night for not eating more in the day, and promise myself that tomorrow I will have more so that I can get through the night without panicking that tonight will be the night I die. But each morning I get up, think about how silly I was being the night before, and return to my usual restrictive diet. This illness is pure madness.
Chicken Risotto 
have you tried saying the Lords Prayer when you are really scared like that ?
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That’s exactly what I still do to this day.
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GROAN! I hate the anorexia just gets in and ruins so many things. It really makes me rage – why shouldn’t you have a day where you get to follow through on the good self-care plans that you made for yourself? Excuse me for speaking in anger but I get so frustrated myself with my plans and feelings and hopes being shat on (often at the last minute) by anorexia that when I hear it happening to someone else too I’m like a raw nerve! It is so annoying and frustrating. Don’t let it undermine you – you have a right to light candles, and read a book (omg one of my fave things to do and SO WORTH FIGHTING FOR!!!!!) Girl I am so on your side for having a few sips of that drink. I also have been aware lately of how the anorexia really comes on strong in my head too at night. On a good day I’m able to remember – ah, this is because I’m tired and it takes energy to fight this damn illness – but other days I’m not and I just buy into the fear. If it helps at all I am going to say to you loud and clear – you deserve to have a good nights sleep, you deserve rest and peace of mind, to me, from one woman with anorexia to another when I hear about you having those sips of milkshake I know and respect the courage and strength it takes to do that – especially at night – you did the right thing xxx Em
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Thank you so much, it means a lot to hear that. I will try and think of this tonight and have a few more sips of milkshake. I am trying to be rational and remind myself that my body needs the extra calories to fight this infection.
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I’m sorry it’s been hell. The holidays are a beast. I know that fear. It can get better. Glad you sipped some milkshake. You’re worth it.
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I experience something very similar. Often times I will wake up in the middle of night from hunger. That’s when I start to see what this eating disorder is really doing to me–and then, like you said, “curse myself.” Because the fear of being sick is stronger than the disorder. But in the morning, it goes away, and the eating disorder voice returns. Strange, isn’t it?
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