Stressful, but not a disaster.
I had a smaller breakfast than usual. I didn’t want to over stress myself by eating too much early in the day.
I helped cook lunch. It looked beautiful. Plates of turkey, pigs in blankets, roast potatoes, sweet potatoes, roast parsnips and carrots, sprouts fried with bacon and chestnuts, orange and cranberry stuffing… and of course Christmas Pudding with brandy butter.
I made myself a small meal instead. I had a vegetarian sausage with some boiled vegetables. I managed to have a piece of stuffing with it, which I was pleased about.
I ate my meal at the table with everyone. This was a massive achievement for me. Before Christams I pictured myself sitting upstairs with my usual piece of lunchtime toast. But no, I managed to eat with everyone else. It was stressful as hell, watching everyone enjoy food that I so desparetely want to enjoy.
I want to enjoy it, but I don’t want to eat it. It’s a strange concept to try and explain. I look at all the food and I long for the days when I could eat and enjoy it stress-free. Now, I know that if I ate it, not only would I not enjoy it, it would send my stress levels through the roof. So it’s easier just to not eat it.
Christmas tea was even more stressful than lunch though. My mum did a buffet, with bread and cheeses and cold meats, quiches, dips and crisps. Followed by desserts, chocolates and cakes.
I couldn’t face it. Too much choice. I have a sweet tooth, the thought of watching everyone eat their way through a table of my favourite cakes and chocolates was too much. I made a little salad, which I ate with a tiny slice of quiche alone in my room.
I sat and listened to the laughter and fun downstairs, as I crunched carrot sticks, and I hated this illness with my whole heart.
The evening was tough, I was tired and stressed out. I sneaked upstairs and went to bed early. But I made it through the day. I didn’t melt down in front of anyone. I had a few more calories than I would normally allow myself, but not a disastorous amount. I weigh 0.2kg more this morning, but I think that is just that I ate more bulky food than usual, more vegetables and salad.
Now it’s onwards with Boxing Day. The same family are coming round again at lunch time. Today though I am doing my own thing food-wise. While they tuck into jacket potatoes and chilli, I will be upstairs with a slice of toast. One day of extra stress is plenty for me at the moment!