Living with anorexia

Christmas Day is done

Stressful, but not a disaster.

I had a smaller breakfast than usual.  I didn’t want to over stress myself by eating too much early in the day.

I helped cook lunch.  It looked beautiful.  Plates of turkey, pigs in blankets, roast potatoes, sweet potatoes, roast parsnips and carrots, sprouts fried with bacon and chestnuts, orange and cranberry stuffing… and of course Christmas Pudding with brandy butter.

I made myself a small meal instead.  I had a vegetarian sausage with some boiled vegetables.  I managed to have a piece of stuffing with it, which I was pleased about.

I ate my meal at the table with everyone.  This was a massive achievement for me.  Before Christams I pictured myself sitting upstairs with my usual piece of lunchtime toast.  But no, I managed to eat with everyone else.  It was stressful as hell, watching everyone enjoy food that I so desparetely want to enjoy.

I want to enjoy it, but I don’t want to eat it.  It’s a strange concept to try and explain.  I look at all the food and I long for the days when I could eat and enjoy it stress-free.  Now, I know that if I ate it, not only would I not enjoy it, it would send my stress levels through the roof.  So it’s easier just to not eat it.

Christmas tea was even more stressful than lunch though.  My mum did a buffet, with bread and cheeses and cold meats, quiches, dips and crisps.  Followed by desserts, chocolates and cakes.

I couldn’t face it.  Too much choice.  I have a sweet tooth, the thought of watching everyone eat their way through a table of my favourite cakes and chocolates was too much.  I made a little salad, which I ate with a tiny slice of quiche alone in my room.

I sat and listened to the laughter and fun downstairs, as I crunched carrot sticks, and I hated this illness with my whole heart.

The evening was tough, I was tired and stressed out.  I sneaked upstairs and went to bed early.  But I made it through the day.  I didn’t melt down in front of anyone.  I had a few more calories than I would normally allow myself, but not a disastorous amount.  I weigh 0.2kg more this morning, but I think that is just that I ate more bulky food than usual, more vegetables and salad.

Now it’s onwards with Boxing Day.  The same family are coming round again at lunch time.  Today though I am doing my own thing food-wise.  While they tuck into jacket potatoes and chilli,  I will be upstairs with a slice of toast.  One day of extra stress is plenty for me at the moment!



6 thoughts on “Christmas Day is done

  1. your Mum’s Xmas dinner sounds nice – I wish I had fried the sprouts with chestnuts – will do that next year maybe although I would like to do something completely different like have a picnic on the beach – but my husband doesn’t fancy it – have you ever thought of having hypnotherapy to treat your anorexia ?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. a bit yes – it isn’t cheap and you need to find a good effective one – you see anorexia has kind of hypnotized you so you need to erase the disordered anorexic thinking by hypnosis – to reboot your mind – I have lost money taking my daughter (who is recovering from anorexia) to ineffective hypnotherapists, atm I am considering this guy


    1. I’ve never been that keen on the idea of hypnotherapy to be honest. I think I will stick with CBT and the like for the time being. I hope you find something that works for your daughter though 🙂


  3. Well done. I find the extra choices overwhelming this time of year too. After several years in recovery I still end up restricting in the days before the holiday. Thankfully New Years is less about food and more about goals and forward thinking. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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