Living with anorexia

Christmas is coming…

…the geese are getting fat.

Christmas revolves around food.  It is the highlight of most people’s day.  We eat until we are stuffed, til we can do nothing but sit around and talk about how full we are.  And then we eat some more.

It feels like there are no set meal times.  There is a huge meal at lunchtime, complete with dessert and chocolates afterwards.  Then there is constant grazing throughout the afternoon; nuts, crisps, boxes of chocolates and sweets passed around.  Then the evening rolls around, with another big meal, a buffet with a huge spread of meat and cheese followed by cakes and yet more dessert.

Where does anorexia fit into all this?  Still suffering, or working on recovery, Christmas and anorexia just do not seem compatible.  There is no schedule, no clear time for a snack, no lunchtime sandwich and carefully portioned evening meal.

My recovery has not gone so well lately, and I am back in the depths.  I am not following a meal plan.  Despite weekly appointments with a dietitian, my eating is sporadic and minimal.  The days of me carefully following a recovery meal plan are gone.

I wonder what I will do on Christmas day.  Breakfast can be as normal.  But after that, who knows?  I guess I am lucky in that I do not have the worry of binging.  I do not enjoy eating, I have no interest in eating a huge Christmas dinner and stuffing myself with chocolate.  But the idea of eating at a table with others is terrifying.  I eat my meals alone, according to my own routines and rituals.  That keeps me safe.

And that is what I plan to do on Christmas day.  If I push myself and eat dinner with my family, I worry that the distress I will feel afterwards will ruin the rest of the day.  By keeping my meals as close to my routine as possible, I hope I can still enjoy the rest of the day, rather than panicking about what I have eaten.

To everyone else with an eating disorder this Christmas, however near or far from recovery you are, I hope you can at least enjoy some of the day.

Merry Christmas x

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