Community Support & Outpatient Therapy

Back to therapy

So, it’s been four months since I left the day unit, and six months since I last had a CBT session. But within two weeks of being referred to the ED service where my parent’s live, I attended my first CBT appointment with them today.

I’m not sure how it’s going to go yet.  It was just the usual initial conversation about why I think I developed anorexia, and what do I want to achieve from the sessions.

I gave my usual answer, “I want to be physically well enough to have a job, and mentally well enough to enjoy my life again.”

But I don’t know if I’m going to achieve that through weekly CBT sessions.  I wish I had the support of the day unit again.

I’d lost weight as well this week.  Not as much as last week, but it is still falling, and the dietitian warned me if I carry on like this I will end up in hospital in January.

Part of me would prefer that.  I would feel safer there.  Every night I am convinced I am going to die.  Being in hospital would make the nights less scary.

But for the time being I am going to worry about Christmas.  I need to get through that, and then think about what will happen in the New Year.

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5 thoughts on “Back to therapy

  1. I love your ‘usual answer’ “…to be physically well enough to have a job, and mentally well enough to enjoy my life again.” AMEN sister; that’s what I want for myself too, well, that or to be physically and mentally well enough to have the luxury of complaining about job and life stress instead of bloody repetitive anorexia stresses 😉 on a serious note I was glad to read your attitude of taking it step by step and that you’re acknowledging the progress that you ARE making. I’ve found this christmas a bit tough in that I fall into thinking that I ‘should’ be doing better – more social, less scared of different foods etc… so reading your post helped me remember to not get down on myself with ‘shoulds’ and to accept where I am this year… I have made some steps, I’m doing what I’m doing, I’m in it for the long-haul and I need to just stick at it. xx Happy St Stephen’s Day! (as we call Boxing Day in Ireland!) Em

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    1. Haha yes I would love to have a job to complain about! I guess that’s another difficult thing about christmas, seeing all my (younger) cousins and feeling so far behind. I am the eldest, and yet I feel like the child of the family. But we will get there! Just keep making little steps I guess! Happy St Stephen’s Day to you too xx

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  2. I wonder if that’s a stock answer we have as anorexics – I can understand your feelings about being torn over hospital, part of me wants that because I will have the safety and support I so need, but part of me is scared they will take my safety blanket that is anorexia away.

    If that makes me crazy I apologise now, I have been told since October if you don’t start to increase hospital will be the only option left open to us. I was scared witless when they said that, but then when I have days and nights where the anorexia won’t allow me to sleep even though I am so exhausted I nearly pass out getting up to toilet I think maybe hospital would help.

    Maybe it would allow me to get the nutrition into my brain I need to fight this illness because right now I can’t fight it, I don’t have any energy left!

    I am pleased to have found this blog and realise I am not alone in what I say to my team
    Or how I feel.

    I am here for anyone that needs to talk, because we do clearly all understand each other.

    I am going to put my 🎧 On and try and drown out the noise I have about tomorrow and the excuses I will come up with whichever way it goes!

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    1. Sometimes I think I need to go into hospital, as I don’t have the energy left to fight it on my own. But then I remember everything that will be taken away from me, all my safe food and routines, and I think maybe not!

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